Question from a reader:My mother and I never had boundaries. I let her control my life up until the day I got sober 10 years ago. Being in recovery, I understand how difficult it is for her to accept the change in me. I also understand that the way she and other family members react to me is on them. Over the years I've helped my mother with health issues. After spending a week with her a month ago I told my brothers I can’t do it any more. For the most part the visit went well. On the last...
16 days ago • 2 min read
Gimme a G! G!! Gimme a U! U!! Gimme an I! I!! Gimme an L! L!! Gimme a T! T!! What's it spell? GUILT! Here's another way to spell it: C O N D I T I O N I N G Next time you feel guilty, ask yourself this: Is it guilt? Or is it conditioning? Did I do something that is out of alignment with MY values? Or Is it conditioning? Much, much Love, Karen The Shame School Community is off to a most excellent start. Join us.
19 days ago • 1 min read
In yesterday's Love Note (how to care for a narcissistic family member without losing yourself) I wasn't clear about a nuanced subject and inelegantly missed a point. I wrote: If being consistent and upholding our boundaries isn't respected, we feel forced to do something (go no contact) that reflects our deep lack of self-respect: I'm not worth having my boundaries respected. It made sense in my head in the moment, but when I read it later I realized YIKES! That is NOT what I meant. SO!...
22 days ago • 1 min read
How To Care For A Narcissistic Family Member Without Losing Yourself (from AARP) When it comes to setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic tendencies, "consistency matters more than persuasion." And that can be frustrating. We want our boundaries to be a "set it and forget it" process. We want her to hear it the first time and comply. And when she doesn't, we get mad at her for not respecting our boundaries...for "making us" repeat ourselves over and over and over again. This next...
23 days ago • 1 min read
I still don't know what I was looking forAnd my time was running wildA million dead-end streetsEvery time I thought I'd got it madeIt seemed the taste was not so sweetSo I turned myself to face me David Bowie ~ Changes I used to chase change. BIG, SIGNIFICANT, OBVIOUS CHANGE. The faster the better. So I could point to it and say, "See? I've learned. I've changed. I've improved. Now I am worthy." You too? Hello survival response. Hello action borne of shame. More recently though, it's the...
27 days ago • 1 min read
Being human and all, we have this tendency to make meaning of Every. Single. Thing. What other people do. What other people say. What we say to ourselves. [about ourselves] The sensations we feel in our bodies. This is normal and it's what helps us survive. We feel hunger, we eat. We feel tired, we sleep. We sense danger, we protect. Our bodies and brains are so highly evolved. And we've been conditioned to NOT pay attention to... or honor... or trust... those sensations. We've been...
28 days ago • 1 min read
So get this. I scheduled two "open house" Zoom calls for people who wanted to learn more about the Shame School Community. One was scheduled for 1 p.m. yesterday and the next one is scheduled for February 24, at 4 p.m. Eastern (click here to add it to your calendar). I didn't get any notifications informing me that anyone had registered so I assumed no one was interested (and yes, underlying that thought were other, not-so-benign thoughts). I almost didn't even sign in for the call. But...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
*her disappointment is hers, not yours. Much, much love, Karen Join the Shame School Community
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
In the movie The Sixth Sense, a young boy named Cole Sear can see and talk to the dead. "I see dead people," he says to the psychologist he sees. Cole says the dead walk around like regular people, but they don't see each other and they don't know they're dead. His gift was distressing to him and he often felt isolated because of it. Cole eventually overcomes his fear of the ghosts that visit him and is able to help them find closure. I see shamed people. I can see and talk to them...they...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read