Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Why haven't you joined the Shame School Community? I created a survey (which you can take anonymously) and because I want a lot of responses, I am offering a chance to win a free 90-minute "no strings" coaching call. Click here to share your thoughts. Much, much love, Karen
Shame makes you think you're the only one. I know this. And yet, there I was at an event the other day, feeling isolated and alone with what felt like a shameful secret (a continuation of what I wrote about last week. When I shared what I was grappling with, actually said it out loud, someone said, "me too...half the women here are in that same position." Oh. I am not the only one who thinks I am the only one. You are not the only one who thinks you're the only one. Even when it feels like...
When I became my grandmother's legal guardian in 2011 she lived at home, alone. She was 94 and managing pretty well, considering. She was also frail and exhibiting signs of mild dementia, but otherwise healthy. What I remember most about that time is how her neighbors, her long-time lawyer and friend (who urged her to name me legal guardian), and my mother (who lived about 400 miles away), were concerned that she would fall and break a hip, that she needed more in-home assistance, that she...
"The cure for pain is in the pain." ~ Rumi Before leaving for college I remember thinking: "no one will know me there...I can start over...be someone else." It wasn't the first time I'd had that kind of thought and it certainly wasn't the last time. I had a version of that thought a few days ago. I wanted to run away. Not from home. Not from my husband. From myself. I am sitting here, having typed that, feeling the familiar sharp, prickly ache in my throat and behind my eyes. Stuck. Trapped....
I have often wondered why it feels like there’s nothing to forgive my father for, and/or why I have never felt significantly angry at – or hurt – by him. If you’ve been around for a while (or if you’ve read You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame), you know that I mostly speak warmly of him and our relationship, even though he and my mother were divorced when I was two, even though I didn’t see much of him as I was growing up, and even though he was willing to give up...
Your mother might think you owe her a version of yourself that distracts her from her responsibility to face her own...stuff. You do not owe her that. Much, much love, Karen P.S. If you still feel like you owe her, and you want to stop feeling that way, join the Shame School Community or work with me 1:1 (when you purchase a six [or more]-session package you also get Shame School). In the Shame School Community we focus on three things: safety, intentional identity, and healthy boundaries....
I have lived my life with an anxious, terrified, shameful whisper in my brain: I am bad and no one likes me. There's no coming back from how bad I am. I can't remember a time it wasn't there. I have also lived my life being naturally engaged, sensitive, creative, generous, courageous, goofy, curious, and intense. I can't remember a time when I wasn't one or more of those things. If you have a similar dichotomy, know this: The things you hate about yourself and the things you love about...
"My mother doesn't understand my boundaries! She doesn't get it when I ask her not to post photos of my kids on social media. She says it's not hurting anything and wants to know why it bothers me. I never know what to say because then I start to question whether I am just trying to punish her. I am so frustrated!" She understands your request, but she rejects your authority to make it. So it makes all the sense in the world that you're frustrated. You're clear about your request. You know...
Do you know someone who tells the same stories over and over again?And you're like, "oh here we go again..."Maybe that someone is you? (pssssst...it's me too)I had a little ah-ha about it the other day. One of the things we do in the Shame School Community is tell stories. I have a specific way of eliciting these stories. I ask for specific details. I look for clues and cues that tell me how their stories land in their bodies. I also tell stories, as an example. Storytelling is part of the...
[Pre-S: values workshop details below] Being human and all, we have this tendency to make meaning of Every. Single. Thing. What other people do. What other people say. What we say to ourselves. [about ourselves] The sensations we feel in our bodies. This is normal and it's what helps us survive. We feel hunger, we eat. We feel tired, we sleep. We sense danger, we protect. Our bodies and brains are so highly evolved. And we've been conditioned to NOT pay attention to... or honor... or trust......