I was silent discoing on the boardwalk yesterday afternoon, reveling in how totally alive I feel when I partake of this relatively-new-to-me activity when a thought barged in: "It's about time you figured this out...too bad it took you until your 60s." Insert sad trombone sound here. I nearly stopped in my tracks and said to myself, "Seriously? That's what you're going to offer me?" But I didn't want to have a full-blown argument with myself, so I simply reminded myself: "How human of me...of...
7 days ago • 1 min read
Scene: family holiday gathering Them: [insert the thing they say every time, which you really wish they wouldn't say] You: [queue anger, regret, resentment, guilt, shame, self-recrimination] ~~~ Here's how it's going to go down instead: They get to say what they want (no matter how much you wish they wouldn't). You get to make a request: I’d prefer not to talk about that. [notice what comes up when you think about saying that...imagine the many tones of voice with which you could say it] They...
13 days ago • 1 min read
I see the parallels between a mother who abuses her daughter, and social / political / religious / cultural systems that abuse people. One way to understand it is through the concept of vertical and horizontal morality. Vertical morality is based on authority: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." In other words, I created you and I own you and I can do what I want with you. In a vertical morality system, violence isn't wrong because it harms someone, it's wrong only if you...
21 days ago • 2 min read
I have a purpose in the world and it is to help adult daughters with narcissistic, neglectful, cruel, authoritarian mothers become the emotionally mature parent to themselves they never had. My values of dignity, expression, and audacity (and my Human Design 6th Line) ask me to be a role model for that. So here we go. If you're like me, you may be reckoning with feelings you really, REALLY don't like having right now. If you're like me, you wanted to wake up yesterday and not feel...
26 days ago • 3 min read
Brittney Cooper on the difference between joy and happiness: "Joy is not based on happiness or things going our way or that all is well in the world. Joy is rooted in a deep internal sense of purpose. That we have a reason to show up here and do our work with righteousness and integrity and care. And any time we secure an sustain the conditions to be able to do that, there is a reason for joy. Particularly for those who believe, even in the face of deep injustice, that ultimately justice will...
28 days ago • 1 min read
"I've been breaking my own heart since I was five," she said, because she has been expecting her narcissistic mother to care about her. You haven't been breaking your own heart. She broke your heart and then taught you to take over (which is the insidious nature of internalized shame). Despite how it feels, it is not a "you" problem and it never was. If you're grieving this profound loss, it makes sense and you're not alone. If you experience shame about any or all of this, it makes sense....
about 1 month ago • 2 min read
I attended a networking event last week. At one point we were invited to share stories about "being in the arena" (a la Brené Brown quoting the "Man in the Arena"*) There was lots of "from the heart" sharing. I stood up and talked a bit about my shame journey over the past several years, how I spent much of my life with the internalized story "I'm a pathetic loser," and how my brain still thinks that from time to time. You could feel the air being sucked out the room. LOL (this was the first...
about 1 month ago • 3 min read
When my husband and I got engaged in 1997, my mother had just met the man who would become her third husband. They had a whirlwind romance and as we planned for our wedding, my mother suggested we have a joint wedding. I had the wherewithal to say no. She then asked if, instead of throwing my bouquet to all the single women at my wedding that I give it to her. I hadn't planned on a bouquet toss (I am not big on tradition) so I made a show of giving it to her during our reception. She and her...
about 2 months ago • 2 min read
People always talk about how they got hurt, used, abused, and manipulated. Never have I heard anyone say, "I was a villain once to someone." ~ ho.nest.y on Threads This past Sunday I was a villain. Mostly in my head, but a little bit outwardly, too. My husband and I went on a guided tour of the Connecticut College Arboretum, and boy did I have a lot of judgment about this one guy who was there. Y'all should have heard the commentary streaming from my brain! I stood apart from the group, arms...
about 2 months ago • 3 min read