I have often wondered why it feels like there’s nothing to forgive my father for, and/or why I have never felt significantly angry at – or hurt – by him. If you’ve been around for a while (or if you’ve read You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame), you know that I mostly speak warmly of him and our relationship, even though he and my mother were divorced when I was two, even though I didn’t see much of him as I was growing up, and even though he was willing to give up...
5 days ago • 5 min read
Your mother might think you owe her a version of yourself that distracts her from her responsibility to face her own...stuff. You do not owe her that. Much, much love, Karen P.S. If you still feel like you owe her, and you want to stop feeling that way, join the Shame School Community or work with me 1:1 (when you purchase a six [or more]-session package you also get Shame School). In the Shame School Community we focus on three things: safety, intentional identity, and healthy boundaries....
7 days ago • 1 min read
I have lived my life with an anxious, terrified, shameful whisper in my brain: I am bad and no one likes me. There's no coming back from how bad I am. I can't remember a time it wasn't there. I have also lived my life being naturally engaged, sensitive, creative, generous, courageous, goofy, curious, and intense. I can't remember a time when I wasn't one or more of those things. If you have a similar dichotomy, know this: The things you hate about yourself and the things you love about...
17 days ago • 1 min read
"My mother doesn't understand my boundaries! She doesn't get it when I ask her not to post photos of my kids on social media. She says it's not hurting anything and wants to know why it bothers me. I never know what to say because then I start to question whether I am just trying to punish her. I am so frustrated!" She understands your request, but she rejects your authority to make it. So it makes all the sense in the world that you're frustrated. You're clear about your request. You know...
21 days ago • 2 min read
Do you know someone who tells the same stories over and over again?And you're like, "oh here we go again..."Maybe that someone is you? (pssssst...it's me too)I had a little ah-ha about it the other day. One of the things we do in the Shame School Community is tell stories. I have a specific way of eliciting these stories. I ask for specific details. I look for clues and cues that tell me how their stories land in their bodies. I also tell stories, as an example. Storytelling is part of the...
28 days ago • 1 min read
[Pre-S: values workshop details below] Being human and all, we have this tendency to make meaning of Every. Single. Thing. What other people do. What other people say. What we say to ourselves. [about ourselves] The sensations we feel in our bodies. This is normal and it's what helps us survive. We feel hunger, we eat. We feel tired, we sleep. We sense danger, we protect. Our bodies and brains are so highly evolved. And we've been conditioned to NOT pay attention to... or honor... or trust......
29 days ago • 1 min read
[this is a long one] Last week I was driving home from the grocery store when a thought popped into my head about how my husband was going to react to something I had purchased. I noticed a pleasant flutter in my heart, expansion in my chest, the desire to take a deep breath and sigh (which I did), and warmth. I smiled. A whole-lit-up-face grin. I even looked at myself in the rearview window and reveled in it. Later the same day, I was reading Maria Semple's new book Go Gentle when this...
about 1 month ago • 3 min read
You can set the same boundary – distance, disconnection, even no contact – from a variety of different energies. It could be a protective survival strategy: fast, intense, and emotionally charged. It may feel like the only available option. It could also come from the grounded, clear, compassionate core of who you are beneath any armor (said with no disrespect to armor or "defensiveness"). Both responses are protective. Both are trying to take care of you. One protects you from pain by...
about 2 months ago • 1 min read
You were born knowing what you like and what you don't like, what's okay and what's not okay. You were born with the ability to express those preferences in myriad ways. In other words, you've always had boundaries. You've always known how to have boundaries. Boundaries are innate. I've heard boundaries described as being like an immune system: it's the part of you that knows how to respond to and repel abusive or toxic behavior. But at one time in your life, stuff happened and that innate...
about 2 months ago • 1 min read