...and blame isn't universally bad or wrong, and it's something we are often shamed for. [this is a long one] Remember the conversation I had 20-ish years ago with my father-in-law, who was a soft-spoken, unassuming, wise Lutheran pastor originally from Canada? If you're new to my world, here it is (and if you know this story, there's a new twist): I was telling him about the difficult relationship I had with my mother and what I might do to make it better (i.e., have an honest conversation...
9 days ago • 3 min read
"It's hard not to be on the defensive, after a lifetime of being defensive," she said."Of COURSE you're defensive...it makes all the sense in the world that you're defensive," I replied. "I'm defensive, too.""Oh wow...why do I feel like crying with relief?" she asked."Because you've been making yourself wrong for being defensive," I answered. "Getting mad at yourself for being defensive is like getting mad at yourself for shivering when you're cold. We're biologically wired for it.""It feels...
24 days ago • 1 min read
[have a question you'd like me to answer? hit reply on this email and ask! I'll answer here, keeping you anonymous...Dear Abby's got nothin' on me!] Question from a reader: How do I stop working so hard to please my self-absorbed mother? Dear Adult Daughter… People-pleasing (aka “fawning” or “appeasing”) is a stress/trauma response/adaptation. It is something your very young nervous system did to keep you safe and alive. Understanding that (and not making yourself wrong for doing it) is the...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
Someone recently called me out for being hypocritical because in one day I posted what they saw as two opposing opinions: one was about living a life so saturated in love that no one can convince you to hate, and the other was about cutting ties with...certain people. The person identified themselves as one of those "certain people" and then went on to tell me how good they are because of the volunteer work they do, and so on. It made me glad I've done my shadow work around being...
about 2 months ago • 3 min read
I have a like/dislike relationship with AI. I dislike it for a few reasons, not the least of which is that four of my copyrighted books were illegally downloaded from pirated databases to "teach" AI large-language models. There's also a bit of "I'm old and can't deal with the pace of technology so get off my lawn" energy in there too. ;-) I like it because it allows us to do things like this. This is my current self holding my four-year-old self (if you want to make one for yourself, keep...
2 months ago • 1 min read
...that Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, whom I quoted in my previous email, had a history of sexual abuse and rape of both women and men. Thank you to those who shared this with me. Much, much love, Karen
3 months ago • 1 min read
"Boundaries are your values in action." ~ Randi Buckley When you have an abusive mother it can be hard to discern whether your values are actually yours. Not to mention that sometimes what we see as a value is actually a stress/survival/trauma response. For example, you may say you value compassion and then feel guilty when you set a boundary with your mother. As clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy says, that's not guilt. It's the pressure of being responsible for whatever she's feeling,...
3 months ago • 1 min read
I am thrilled to be one of 12 trauma-informed experts who are part of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, a free online event created specifically for those who struggle as a result of a mother wound. Collectively, we are dedicated to helping you overcome the devastating impact of having an emotionally abusive mother. This event takes place September 23 - 25 and each presentation is geared toward this shared experience, making it more effective and relatable than mainstream self-help. My...
3 months ago • 1 min read
First: I am excited to be participating (for the second time) in Laura Connell's FREE Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers online event along with these speakers. The event takes place September 23-25 and is designed to help us heal from the far-ranging effects of an emotionally abusive mother. Sign-up details coming next week. Second: Kate Farrell and I are teaming up for a juicy 90-minute event: The Four Tasks of Psyche: Take the Heroine’s Journey and Move Past Mother-Daughter Trauma. Join us...
3 months ago • 1 min read