Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
"but nothing horrible happened to me"
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I had a conversation with someone who said she felt the need to figure out what happened in her past that made her want to overeat. In looking through old journals she noted that she had written things like, “I don’t understand why I eat when I’m not hungry” and “I must want to be fat so I can be unattractive because something horrible must have happened to me as a child.“ She said she had been prompted by therapists, self help books, and the media, to look for something she said "simply wasn’t there." Then she said: But I do have some work to do in terms of shaming myself and thinking I was a failure when it wasn’t the truth. It's going to be difficult to unlearn after all these years of hating myself." My genuine, unironic response: Maybe the "horrible" thing that happened is that you were taught to shame and hate yourself. While you were born in a body that is physiologically wired to experience the sensations we call shame, you were not born ashamed. You were not born hating yourself. You were taught to do that. Being ashamed of yourself – hating yourself – isn't just par for the course. It's not an inherent way of being. It is not a personal failing. It just feels that way because we've lived with it for a few thousand years. They say a miracle is simply a shift in perception. Unshaming is when you change your perception from "this is just who I am" to "this is what I was taught and conditioned to believe about myself." Unshaming is both an individual process and a collective responsibility. Unshaming is the ultimate in cycle breaking (even if you think you've already passed that ish down). It's not too late. Much, much love, Karen
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
“She said, you met a lot of hurt people who wanted you to feel the same/you used to tune them out, but now/in the quiet corners of your day/you regurgitate all of the negative opinions they used to throw your way…” ~ poet Rebecca Dupas What her brilliance here. Much, much love, Karen We slay that dragon in Shame School. Get on the wait list.
I received many responses to "when your mother hates you" and wanted to share this one: "...it goes both ways. It's only human of us to hate them sometimes, too. I actually made an ENORMOUS stride of progress a couple months ago when I admitted to myself I was feeling hatred toward my mother. I was in an awful but all too familiar moment of anger and frustration towards her, and I can't remember if I said it out loud to myself or just in my head, but the words were, "I hate her." Immediately...
She was celebrating a significant career achievement at a large public event where she would be honored and where she was keynote speaker. As she was leaving the hotel suite where colleagues, friends, and family had gathered prior to the event, her mother, who was behind her, yelled out: "You know...you look fat in that dress!" She froze. Then had the wherewithal to turn and say, her voice taut with pain, "MOTHER!" before rushing to a restroom where she cried as a friend consoled her. Later,...