Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
a flood of grace
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[listen to me read this over on Substack] “The revolution will NOT be psychologized. — From The Emerald podcast episode “The Revolution Will Not Be Psychologized” by Joshua Michael Schrei When we are born, we have both the fire of the opal and the watery coolness of oceans within us. Like a golden glass orb, we are shiny, complete, and whole. And just as glass can be broken, we are given the idea that our hearts and spirits could also shatter…and they can. What’s also true is that our shattered hearts and spirits do not signify inherent flaws or brokenness. So we live with our hearts and spirits shattered and broken by shame, and we learn to shame ourselves even more with the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. One day a long time ago, we internalized a story that wasn’t ours and isn’t true…that was never true: I’m bad! I’m pathetic! I’m a loser! I’m worthless. I’m unlovable. I will never get over it, and it will always be a problem. It is written in the stars that I should be ashamed of myself. For a while, we were unconscious to these stories, clinging to them and never imagining they could be different. What we didn’t know is that the story itself was broken. So for a while we let it hurt us…and then we let it ignite passion and purpose. This is the gift of unshaming. Rather than believing that beauty could only exist in perfection and symmetry, we now know, deep inside, that beauty lies in shifting impermanence and imperfection. We are not shattered and fractured and broken—the story that we are doesn’t represent the whole of our lives, but rather moments in our histories. Now we choose not to hide our so-called flaws from inspection, but rather to emblazon them with golden significance so we can see the full and profound shape of ourselves. We embrace and accept what we once saw as brokenness, knowing now that it was fierce and strong and intelligent all along. We know how to be true to ourselves. Because there are parts of us that never, ever believed that false story. There are parts of us, parts that existed before we were even born, that know that story isn’t true. No matter what they said. Because we are unshamed. This is our birthright and our identity. We might see it outside ourselves, but what we see out there is also within us, not just us alone but together. Understanding this lays a foundation for engaged dreaming and for guiding desired change. We know what it is like to dream from the place of “not good enough” and to believe that someone else has the answers. Now we dream from the place of already knowing and of already having. We allow ourselves to be pulled toward what we desire rather than pushing away what we don’t want. We already have much that we desire. We have desires that we have not yet met. We are shedding that which we do not need or want. And we are clear about what we don’t have and don’t want. We already embody everything that we sometimes believe is out there beyond our reach. We are creating our identity and making meaning of it over and over again, traveling an upward spiral as we revisit our story from a higher place. It’s the same story through a different lens at a different time, but still our own immanent souls. We are the hard and the soft, the big F*ck you and the gentle namaste, the muck of self-loathing and the hands-over-heart mudra (gesture) of self-compassion. We are rich, deep red-purple-gold, spicy chocolate, velvety moss. We are a giddy sandalwood drumroll! A slow and steady strut. Mischievous! Exhilarated! Generous! Content! Grace-full! Vital! We summon profound self-trust, compassion, equanimity, and deep listening. We cultivate autonomy, authenticity, eloquence, assertiveness, and observing. We stand for justice, self-realization, integrity, and ultimately for community actualization. We stand with our hands on our hips, present to the humans of wonder that we are. We love deeply. We step forward. There is no veneer. Our voices hum and shiver and create. We speak truth, with no swords on our tongues. We are unshamed. We are ourselves. Together. (from my most recent book You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame) Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
“She said, you met a lot of hurt people who wanted you to feel the same/you used to tune them out, but now/in the quiet corners of your day/you regurgitate all of the negative opinions they used to throw your way…” ~ poet Rebecca Dupas What her brilliance here. Much, much love, Karen We slay that dragon in Shame School. Get on the wait list.
I received many responses to "when your mother hates you" and wanted to share this one: "...it goes both ways. It's only human of us to hate them sometimes, too. I actually made an ENORMOUS stride of progress a couple months ago when I admitted to myself I was feeling hatred toward my mother. I was in an awful but all too familiar moment of anger and frustration towards her, and I can't remember if I said it out loud to myself or just in my head, but the words were, "I hate her." Immediately...
She was celebrating a significant career achievement at a large public event where she would be honored and where she was keynote speaker. As she was leaving the hotel suite where colleagues, friends, and family had gathered prior to the event, her mother, who was behind her, yelled out: "You know...you look fat in that dress!" She froze. Then had the wherewithal to turn and say, her voice taut with pain, "MOTHER!" before rushing to a restroom where she cried as a friend consoled her. Later,...