[this is a long one] Last week I was driving home from the grocery store when a thought popped into my head about how my husband was going to react to something I had purchased. I noticed a pleasant flutter in my heart, expansion in my chest, the desire to take a deep breath and sigh (which I did), and warmth. I smiled. A whole-lit-up-face grin. I even looked at myself in the rearview window and reveled in it. Later the same day, I was reading Maria Semple's new book Go Gentle when this...
9 days ago • 3 min read
You can set the same boundary – distance, disconnection, even no contact – from a variety of different energies. It could be a protective survival strategy: fast, intense, and emotionally charged. It may feel like the only available option. It could also come from the grounded, clear, compassionate core of who you are beneath any armor (said with no disrespect to armor or "defensiveness"). Both responses are protective. Both are trying to take care of you. One protects you from pain by...
22 days ago • 1 min read
You were born knowing what you like and what you don't like, what's okay and what's not okay. You were born with the ability to express those preferences in myriad ways. In other words, you've always had boundaries. You've always known how to have boundaries. Boundaries are innate. I've heard boundaries described as being like an immune system: it's the part of you that knows how to respond to and repel abusive or toxic behavior. But at one time in your life, stuff happened and that innate...
25 days ago • 1 min read
[Pre-S: Boundaries Workshop April 30 1 p.m. - 3 p.m. Eastern $40] Some mothers are sometimes cruel, bullying, and manipulative (sometimes more than sometimes). There's just no other way to say it. There's no justification for it, either. I mean, sure, you can tell yourself she doesn't mean it or that it's her mental illness or the trauma that lives in her body or or or. It's still not justified. Because you matter. Your dignity matters. More than anything. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. And if there was...
29 days ago • 1 min read
If you're here, it's probably because you have a mother who exhibits some combination of narcissism, abuse, cruelty, codependence, emotional enmeshment, lack of boundaries, substance abuse, and/or mental health issues. You want strategies for dealing with her (check out this upcoming boundaries workshop)...and to heal from being raised by her (go deeper in the Shame School Community). But it's not lost on you that you, your mother, and her mother, and me, my mother, and her mother – all the...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
If you're having a hard time maintaining boundaries with your mother (or someone else), it might be due to a dynamic neither of you are aware of: She made you responsible for her emotional experience and you agreed that it's your job. Your boundary makes her uncomfortable. Her discomfort with your boundary makes you uncomfortable. And because she's your mother, her discomfort "wins." And your boundary goes POOF! Once you see the dynamic, it's relatively simple to correct. The harder part is...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
"I've been breaking my own heart my whole life," she said, "because I keep expecting my narcissistic mother to care about me. How stupid am I?" "You haven't been breaking your own heart," I replied. "She broke your heart and then taught you to take over (which is the insidious nature of internalized shame).Despite how it feels, it is not a "you" problem and it never was. In fact, from your body's perspective, this was infinitely wise, and definitely not stupid." ~~~ If you're grieving this...
about 1 month ago • 2 min read
Trusting After Trauma - Redefining Relationships After Parental Narcissistic Abuse starts tomorrow! Here’s how to get the most out of this free event: Check your email daily or bookmark the speaker schedule to access the interviews. These sessions are available for 24 hours, so set time aside each day to participate. On Friday, there will be a full 24-hour REPLAY if you miss any sessions. You can always upgrade to the All-Access Pass and get all the interviews and free gifts. Check out these...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
I got a note from a former client who wanted to share that she no longer experiences guilt when she sets boundaries with her mother. She said it's because she's no longer afraid of guilt. She fully expects to feel it, but instead of being afraid of it, she has an attitude of "bring it on!" She said it's because I once suggested, if she had a choice between guilt and regret, to see what it would be like to choose guilt. So she kept choosing guilt and eventually realized it was a nothing...
about 2 months ago • 1 min read