Question from a reader:

My mother has been a hurtful presence in my life for as long as I can remember. I am going to my home country soon and need to decide if I will visit her. If she was a reasonable distance from where I will be, I would go, but she is in a city that is a day-trip each way by train or driving. At least seven hours each way.

I’m trying to decide if a 45-minute visit (which is probably all she'd want) is worth the 14+ hours of travel, when we have other family and friends who would love to see us. I am sure she would love for me to visit, but based on past experience, she'll either be wonderful or cruel.

My friends would never understand the conflict I feel as many of their mothers are no longer alive. Telling them I am not sure if I want to see my mother seems insensitive.

My therapist would tell me to go, to avoid regret.

My adult son said "if it's that bad, don't go."

My mother and I have had some decent short conversations on the phone recently and I don’t want to unkind, but the fact is, I never know which mother I am going to get.

Help. I feel such guilt!!

Dear Adult Daughter:

I know you know there are no guarantees either way and you can't know which mother you're going to get.

Your choice is less about whether to go or not to go, and more about not being mean to yourself about whatever choice you make. What will your inner dialogue sounds like if...

...you go and she's wonderful?

...you go and she's cruel?

...you don't go?

You logically know there's no literal threat to your life, but your body is a different story. It doesn't feel safe with your mother (of course it doesn't!). It's ready to react with a stress/survival/trauma response to keep you safe. Do you want to override that? Is there capacity in your system to handle the stress? If there isn't that doesn't reflect poorly on you...it's simply physiology.

Of course your brain wants a guarantee that you will make the "right" choice.

Instead of thinking about it in terms of "right" and "wrong," think about it in terms of making the choice that is in alignment with what you value, which doesn't necessarily mean that it's in alignment with what "people" (your friends, your son, your therapist) might think of you and whatever choice you make.

Maybe you value making a choice that your friends would think is insensitive, and then having your own back.

Maybe you value finding out what will happen if you traveled 14+ hours to spend 45 minutes with your potentially cruel mother.

Maybe you value the growth that might come from making a choice that results in you feeling guilt and regret.

In the end, the only thing you can do is make the choice and then decide, intentionally and ahead of time, that no matter how it turns out, you will be kind to YOURSELF.

Make the decision from as "clean" place as possible, from having decided ahead of time, for example, that...

"If I go and she's cruel, that's okay. I did it because I wanted to and now I feel resentful (or hurt or some other feeling); no one forced me and if I am honest with myself, I also did it because I was afraid of being unkind, and then feeling guilt. And that, too, is okay. How human of me."

Or:

"If I don't go, that's okay. I really don't want to and I made that choice knowing my brain will tell me I am unkind and I will feel guilt or regret. How human of me."

This is what it means to be a good mother to yourself...allowing space for your discomfort and loving yourself through it.

The kinder you are to yourself, the kinder your overall energy is and the less guilt and regret (and resentment) you will experience.

Imagine what might ripple out from there.

Much, much love,

Karen

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