I received many responses to "when your mother hates you" and wanted to share this one:

"...it goes both ways. It's only human of us to hate them sometimes, too. I actually made an ENORMOUS stride of progress a couple months ago when I admitted to myself I was feeling hatred toward my mother. I was in an awful but all too familiar moment of anger and frustration towards her, and I can't remember if I said it out loud to myself or just in my head, but the words were, "I hate her." Immediately the rage and pain fell away. It was the truth, and not admitting my true feelings was part of what was just causing such agony for me! It sounds deranged, but this is a calming thought that I have begun to use in those difficult moments. Those of us who get it, really get it. Thank you for writing the real truth, even if it's not pretty."

Being able to experience the feeling of hate – and to acknowledge it without making yourself bad or wrong – is not only freeing, it can also help you stop harming yourself and others, and to repair relationships that are important to you.

The late Debbie Ford, who wrote the shadow work bible, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers is known for saying: "Every human being possesses the capacity for the full spectrum of human emotions and characteristics, both those considered 'good' and those deemed 'bad'."

It's not the emotions themselves that are the problem, it's that we repress/suppress them because we've been taught that they're bad, and if they're bad, and we experience them, then we must be bad.

Enter shame.

Enter harmful behavior that we direct inward (and outward).

Wholeness and freedom come from acknowledging and embracing all aspects of ourselves, not just the parts deemed acceptable.

[The text reads: teaching people how to regulate their emotions is crime prevention. It's addiction prevention. It suicide prevention. It's generational healing. It's ow we stop raising adults who explode, implode, or shut down at the first sign of discomfort. Emotional regulation is not just a soft skill. It's survival. It's the foundation of a society where people can disagree without dehumanizing each other, where accountability isn't seen as an attack, and where conflict doesn't have to mean violence. You want a better word? Start with emotional education.]

Much, much love,

Karen

P.S. Check out this comprehesive summary review of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame by Tal Gur, founder of Elevate Society.