Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
when your mother hates you
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She was celebrating a significant career achievement at a large public event where she would be honored and where she was keynote speaker. As she was leaving the hotel suite where colleagues, friends, and family had gathered prior to the event, her mother, who was behind her, yelled out: "You know...you look fat in that dress!" She froze. Then had the wherewithal to turn and say, her voice taut with pain, "MOTHER!" before rushing to a restroom where she cried as a friend consoled her. Later, when she shared this story in a public forum, she wrote "My mother hates me." The responses? "Oh I am sure your mother loves you..." and "I don't think your mom hates you, she's just jealous of your accomplishments." and "Please stop thinking this way about your mom, she is human also. You only get one." ~~~ No. NO! HELL NO! ~~~ Here's the thing: yes hate is a universal human emotion. We all experience it. Even "good" people hate sometimes. And yes, mothers are human too. When it's repeated and consistent, a mother's hatred for her own child, no matter what age, is devastating, traumatizing, and shame inducing. To be told that your mother loves you when her behavior and treatment of you indicates otherwise is confusing and crazy-making. Carl Jung's concept of the "shadow self" suggests that individuals often project their own negative traits, feelings, and desires onto others without realizing it. This can lead to hidden resentment and even hatred directed towards those they are closest to. Jung outlined eight behaviors, which when consistent and repeated, are a signal that someone hates you (even if they say they love you):
None of these feel like love because they are not love! Repeating for emphasis: to tell someone on the receiving end that the person who does those things loves them is misguided at best and harmful gaslighting at worst. It took me decades to come to terms with my mother's consistent, repeated hatred of me and to see it for what it was: her hatred. Her shadow. Something she experienced in her body and projected on to me. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my responsibility. It was never because of me. [it can take a long-ass time to get this...to grok it on bodily level so it no longer takes you out] To be clear, it's not hatred that is the problem. It's repressed-shadow-hatred that leaks out sideways all over others that does the most damage. Related: An Eye-Rolling, Judgmental Sack of Contempt Much, much love, Karen Shame School is all about shadow! People who do shadow work tend to experience increased self-awareness, acceptance, and maturity, improved relationships, super-charged creativity, emotional regulation, reduced projection, and...ta-da! Less shame! The third round of Shame School starts in September 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Reply to this email if you have questions. Shame School is for the wild ones who were told to rein it in and taught to play small. Who want to know and experience and love themselves as as they are. Who want to run their own show without shame calling the shots. It's for the HellCats Want to work with me privately?
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
...that Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, whom I quoted in my previous email, had a history of sexual abuse and rape of both women and men. Thank you to those who shared this with me. Much, much love, Karen
"Boundaries are your values in action." ~ Randi Buckley When you have an abusive mother it can be hard to discern whether your values are actually yours. Not to mention that sometimes what we see as a value is actually a stress/survival/trauma response. For example, you may say you value compassion and then feel guilty when you set a boundary with your mother. As clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy says, that's not guilt. It's the pressure of being responsible for whatever she's feeling,...
I am thrilled to be one of 12 trauma-informed experts who are part of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, a free online event created specifically for those who struggle as a result of a mother wound. Collectively, we are dedicated to helping you overcome the devastating impact of having an emotionally abusive mother. This event takes place September 23 - 25 and each presentation is geared toward this shared experience, making it more effective and relatable than mainstream self-help. My...