Being chronically* resentful/offended/hurt by her behavior isn’t required for you to establish boundaries. Or limit contact. Or even to stop talking to her altogether. You can simply decide her behavior doesn’t work for you** *The key word here is “chronically.” Obviously, all feelings are valid and all feelings point us in the direction of our needs, preferences, desires, etc., so don’t demonize these emotions, but if you’re tired of feeling that way…just know you don’t have to feel that way...
7 days ago • 1 min read
It's been three weeks and two days since my double mastectomy (thank you for all the good wishes...I am doing great!). The TL;DR is that I had non-invasive DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) in my right breast. After a lumpectomy to remove it at the end of October (and a plan to have radiation and to take an estrogen blocker, which I really, really didn't to do), my right breast became so severely deformed that there was no real choice but to remove it. After a consultation with a breast cancer...
9 days ago • 1 min read
[Pre S. I know I initially said that today would be the last day to register for Shame School but I know many, myself included, are participating in the economic boycott, so tomorrow, Saturday, March 1 will be the last day to register.] I am my mother's savage daughter,the one who runs barefoot cursing sharp stones.I am my mother's savage daughter,I will not cut my hair, I will not lower my voice. ~~~ I smiled big and made a plan when I saw this meme because I have some Welsh blood running...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
[Pre-S: If you're considering joining the next round of Shame School (starting March 18) the last day to register is Friday, February 28. Click here to do that.] Question from a reader: “I realized recently that I have carried around so much anger at my mother that it turned into revenge. I wanted revenge for what she did to me as a child. She was so critical and judgmental. So controlling and verbally abusive and I was terrified of her. I became angry and full of hate, I wanted revenge for...
about 1 month ago • 2 min read
Whether you’re the mother or the adult daughter in a strained/estranged relationship, the medicine is the same: Tend to and untangle shame and conditioning. Then see what’s possible. She may not be on board. Things may not change all that much on the outside. But YOU can stop living at the mercy of your story. This doesn’t mean sugar-coating it or gaslighting yourself, it means that you take the shame (that was never yours to begin with) out of your story…you stop letting it diminish you....
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
Let your bad mood be a luxury you are willing to invest in, rather than being something you need to rid yourself of ASAP. That's it. Much, much love, Karen Opportunities to work together: Shame School 1:1 Coaching (discount on one 90-minute session) The self-study version of Relationship Reset: Thriving Beyond Overgiving (with Tracey Yokas and me)
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
The next time you feel... guilty... resentful... angry... disdain... ashamed... anxious... sad... grief... frustrated... contempt... annoyed... hateful... ...place one hand on your heart, place the other hand over that hand, and remind yourself... "It makes sense that this is what I am feeling...it's not a 'me' problem...and there's nothing to fix or change." Much, much love, Karen On love, by bell hooks "To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in...
about 2 months ago • 1 min read
Your mother probably taught you that lying is wrong... ...so why is it so hard to have a honest connection with her? Why can you just tell her the truth about what's okay and what's not okay? What you are willing and not willing to do in the relationship? Rather than people-pleasing her? If you currently people-please her, it's not because you're weak and pathetic. It's not a "you" problem. It's because you were taught, like most of us, that being pleasing is safer than being honest. Her...
about 2 months ago • 3 min read
My mother used to both be surprised at, and even reveled in, the fact that all she had to do is be disappointed in me and I would punish myself. This is the insidious nature of shame: our physiology reacts to conditioning that is used against us, and in order to stay close to resources, we take over and continue to punish ourselves. We live "survival mode" because our bodies are under the constant threat of shame. Simply understanding this can help us create safety and change our relationship...
about 2 months ago • 1 min read