Question from a reader:

How do I feel less sad and let go of the relationship I wish I had?

The context:

My mother is constantly critical. I don't think she likes herself (and I am a lot like her). I feel as though I will always be the little kid or dumb one in any situation, and I am 49! I have not told her I have cut ties; I simply avoid her because she has started to be critical of my children to their faces. I don't hate her, but I don't want to stick my hand out to be slapped anymore. I spent my whole life trying to please her, and I am tired of trying. I feel guilty, but relieved at the same time.

I want someone to tell me it is okay not to want to see her.

I am trying to see myself as competent. My father was amazing, and I fall back on his kindness often. I don't need to set boundaries; I just want to feel less sad about not having a mother who loves and wants to be with me. How do you learn to let go of the relationship you wish you had?

Dear Adult Daughter...

It is okay to not want to see her.

It is okay to not want to see her.
It is okay to not want to see her.
It is okay to not want to see her.

Full stop.

And this?

"I have not told my mother I have cut ties; I simply avoid her."

This is a solid, clear boundary. Well done.

Now for the tender part. How to feel less sad. How to let go.

First I want to say this: all of your feelings, even if they conflict (sad and guilty and relieved), make all the sense in the world.

There are two questions I ask clients when they tell me they don't want to feel ________ in regards to their mothers (and the relationship).

#1 Why don't you want to feel that way?

and

#2 How do you want to feel instead?

The answer to #1 usually boils down to: "Because it's not okay to feel that way" and/or "I should be over it by now."

The answer to #2 is usually: "I just want to feel neutral."

Here's the thing: it's hard to change what you won't allow yourself to have.

Most of us don't let ourselves have (own, allow, express) our emotions because we were punished, shamed, dismissed, ignored for having them. We were often left alone with feelings that overwhelmed us.

Feelings = danger. Feelings = not safe.

So our brilliant nervous systems did what they do best: disconnected us from our feeling selves.

We resist and repress because we're both afraid and ashamed of ourselves for feeling the way we do.

To feel less sad, you need to allow yourself to feel sad. To let the sensations of sadness rise up in your body. To let them have their expression. To cry. To curl up in a ball and sob. Let it wash over you. Without intellectualizing or shaming it.

Safety comes from learning how to meet and hold ourselves through whatever feelings arise.

In order to let get go of the relationship you wish you had, meet yourself with what – perhaps – was never available to you: permission, kindness, compassion, and presence.

Let yourself feel the desire to hang on. Feel the sensations of yearning without pushing them away or telling yourself you're being silly/immature/ridiculous.

Whatever it is you're wanting to change is waiting for you to meet it, and relate to it, differently than you have in the past.

In so doing, the unwanted patterns start to organically shift and unwind.

Emotions processed become wisdom. Emotions suppressed become patterns. ~ Molesey Bridgette

Much, much love,
Karen

In Shame School we unlearn what we were not meant to learn, in order to discover what we were intended to learn.

In Shame School we stand on solid ground. We see clearly. We speak the truth.

Guess what? Not only is Shame School coming in March, I am revamping the structure and the length (it's going to be longer and more flexible in regards to the number of Zoom calls) to make it more accessible to more people (there will also be a low-cost option). Click here to add your name to the "get notified as soon as details are available" list.