Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
you can decide that her behavior doesn't work for you
|
You don't have to hold a grudge. You don't have to (forever) take her behavior personally. You also don't have to have a reason that makes sense to others in order to establish a boundary (or go no contact). You don't have to ask if you're overreacting. You don't have to wonder if what you're feeling is "normal." You don't have to have proof that her behavior could or should be deemed "rude." You can simply decide that your her behavior doesn't work for you. And sometimes, in order to stop holding the grudge, and in order to take things less personally, you have to stop making yourself wrong for the impulse to hold a grudge and take things personally. By all means, go ahead and take it personally. Revel in your reaction. Stomp your foot. Growl. Cry. Then ask yourself, "What is going BOOM inside me right now? Why is this so uncomfortable? What is the threat my body is perceiving?" It's easier (but maybe not as satisfying) to examine your triggers and your interpretation of your mother's behavior, rather than trying to control her (or yourself). In the end, you can decide that her behavior just doesn't work for you. That decision will be coming from a place of personal power and autonomy, rather from fear and shame. Shame will have you doubting yourself every time. The need to be "good" will have you believing you're bad. The need to be “good” will block your safety and joy. Because that's what blocks are: an emotional hesitation because of a perceived lack of safety at the next level. And it makes all the sense in the world that you feel this way. No one is 100% good. Needing to be seen as good in every situation will keep you from seeing yourself (and her) clearly. Sometimes the effective action is the “mean” one. "Good," on the other hand, is whatever gets the other person to approve of you. In the Shame School Community we stop being "good" and become whole. We no longer need her approval. Much, much love, Karen The first 20 to join the Shame School Community before February 1, will save $250 (regular price is $750), |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
I've received a bunch of questions about the Shame School Community and I've got answers :-) Can you share a "sample curriculum?" There will be 52 weekly, bite-sized lessons, practices, tools, activities, writing prompts that fall into four categories: general, creating safety, creating intentional identity, and creating healthy boundaries. Each lesson explores concepts and different ways to put them into practice because not everyone resonates with the same techniques and practices. Each...
If your mother has narcissistic tendencies, you probably experience shame. Here are five things you can do to help yourself: #1 Let her have her alternate reality (and notice what happens inside you when you do). I once had a conversation with my mother in which she recounted a situation that not only do I remember very differently, my husband does too. I felt myself reacting. Anger was rising…defenses were triggered. “She’s gaslighting me!” and underneath that, “She thinks I’m stupid!” and...
I got a lot of responses to "I am not chasing my mother" all basically saying the same thing: "I WISH my mother would just leave me alone...she chases me, not the other way around!" More specifically... What if I am the one who want to move on but my mother doesn’t let me do it? I am divorced and she doesn’t accept it. She is always in the victim role and she keeps saying that she is dreaming of me and my ex-husband remarried. I blocked her so that she cannot text me privately, but she keeps...