I got a lot of responses to "I am not chasing my mother" all basically saying the same thing:

"I WISH my mother would just leave me alone...she chases me, not the other way around!"

More specifically...

What if I am the one who want to move on but my mother doesn’t let me do it? I am divorced and she doesn’t accept it. She is always in the victim role and she keeps saying that she is dreaming of me and my ex-husband remarried. I blocked her so that she cannot text me privately, but she keeps texting a separate group I have with my two daughters (16 and 11). She is always saying that she is very sad about our divorce. You stated that your mom agreed not be in contact with you, but my mom wants to be chased. She always wants to be heard. She always wants to be put in a very special area in my life, she still wants to have control over my life (I’m 50 years old). That's why my mind is still blocked, I want to move on in my life but something stops me. The “ghost” of my mom is everywhere although I stopped contacting her frequently.

Dear Adult Daughter...

I want to clarify that my mother didn't "agree" to not be in contact and I wasn't asking her to. Instead of calling her every two weeks like I had been, I invited her to call/email me when she wanted, and said I would do the same.

Was I nervous before I told her? Yup.

Did I feel the familiar sensations of fear, shame, and guilt after I told her? For sure.

I'd been a "bad girl."

I sat with those uncomfortable feelings without acting on them (i.e., reaching out to her to make sure she wasn't hurt, mad, offended, etc.).

I can guess how she felt but I don't know because I haven't heard from her since.

~~~

That decision brought me to an interesting fork in the road. I could go back down the familiar, "safe" path and end up back in the dynamic where we both trigger the hell out of each other.

Or, I could take the less familiar, uncertain path and end up...who knows where?

One place I ended up is down on the boardwalk where I am known as the Silent Disco Queen :-) Something my mother would hate.

But it's something that has, for three years now, brought me unmitigated joy. I chose to be special in my own life.

~~~

You write "I want to move on in my life but something stops me. The 'ghost' of my mom is everywhere..."

Indeed.

She wants to be put in a special area in your life because she doesn't know how to be special in her own life. And that's not your fault or your responsibility.

At a certain point, for some of us, it comes down to making a choice: me or her.

This doesn't mean we want our mothers to suffer or be harmed (although going through a phase of wanting that is normal and part of the healing journey).

What we wish is for her to choose to be special in her own life. And that is something only she can do.

I will always root for you to choose to be special in your own life.

Much, much love,

Karen

P.S. Shame School 2.0 is not only coming, it's changing and I am really proud of what it's becoming: a community of women who are choosing to be special in their own lives, who are breaking cycles, who are saying "NO" to being shamed!

What used to be an intensive 12 weeks is now an expansive 12 months. The Shame School Community will be opening on March 1. Click here to be notified about early-bird pricing.