[this is a long one...showing one's work means focusing on the transparency of the process
rather than just the end result. It's something your math teacher may have required]

My mother's husband is now in a nursing home, seven years after being diagnosed with Alzheimers.

Here's an abbreviated version of the back story:

Since January 2022, she has talked about moving from Maine to Connecticut to be closer to me.

She stopped communicating with me in August of 2023 when I decided to stop calling her every two weeks (I wasn't angry or going no-contact).

In December of 2025 I got a phone call from an ER nurse in a hospital in her town. The nurse couldn't tell me what my mother was there for, other than to say they weren't sure they should release her if someone wasn't there to check on her. I said that I was 300 miles away and that we were estranged.

​In January of this year she emailed and asked me to call her. I called and she said she was once again interested in moving to Connecticut. So I sent her the names of a couple of real estate agents and heard nothing.

I had an unrelated trip to Maine planned for the end of June. I reached out and said I'd be coming and would she like me to visit. I heard nothing.

Fast forward to July 1: she emailed to tell me her husband was hospitalized in mid June and then went into a long-term nursing home. I responded: "That sounds stressful. I know you were considering moving to Connecticut...is that something you're still considering? Let me know if there's anything I can do." <--- noticing that last sentence

She called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me she thinks he's dying. I listened and made the appropriate noises.

She called again this past Sunday and this time I sensed a shift into a familiar pattern: the Drama Triangle (click here for an explainer).

She is gearing up to have me rescue her. She said she's "stressed and exhausted" and "just needed someone to talk to” and then said that when her husband dies she’s going to move closer to me so "you can take care of me.” She started telling me things about her financial situation, which she has never done.

It felt like she was preparing me. Testing the waters.

I was triggered.

I felt my body going into rescue/appease/fawn mode and I wasn't as noncommittal as I wanted to be. I said a few things that might have given her the impression that I am here, selflessly waiting to help her without limits.

Of course I did...it makes all the sense in the world given my socialization and conditioning. How human of me.

And I will need to correct that impression.

I acknowledged to myself that I wasn't as clear with her, or as noncommittal as I wanted to be, because my body perceives a threat based on all my prior experiences with her.

Since that conversation I've noticed myself revisiting all the ways she's mistreated or abused me, while at the same time reminding myself that I don't have to have an "excuse" for whatever I decide to do (or not do). I do not have to explain myself. I don't have to have a "good" reason.

Most importantly: I didn't shame myself. I didn't become furious with her or myself.

No rage/devastation/shame cycle this time.

Instead: curiosity with a sprinkling of discomfort and even a little excitement at being able to implement my skills in unfamiliar territory.

This allows me to think more clearly and plan ahead. What are my non-negotiables? What are all the things she will throw at me and try and manipulate me with? I've already started a list.

I know that when I establish limits and boundaries (and maybe even an ultimatum) she will be triggered. She may cry. She may rage. She will be smack dab in the middle of the Drama Triangle*.

I will not. Except when I am. And I will catch myself. I will course-correct.

Related: Right To Folly​

Much, much love,

Karen

*I'm laughing because Drama Triangle reminded me of the Bermuda Triangle, that mysterious area of the Atlantic Ocean known to trap ships and aircraft and make them disappear.​
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