Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Dolly
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In 2019, after the Christchurch shooting in New Zealand, there was a photo of then New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern wrapping her arms around the survivors of that shooting. I shared with you then that when I saw the photo I was reminded that we live in a time so lacking in unconditional Mother Love. ~~~ We are still living in that time. ~~~ And Dolly? "The fact that a single human being could spend over sixty years in the global spotlight and leave behind a spotless record of goodwill isn't just nice; it's a statistical and social anomaly. It forces us to confront a rarer truth: we don't just happen to like good people; we are actually starved for them." ~ Jason Hedrick ~~~ After my father died in 2010, I learned something. I learned that there are things you can't know until someone meaningful in your life dies. There are things that can't or won't happen until that person dies. Dolly Parton's death is an invitation to grieve, yes, and it's also an invitation to come alive. Her death makes space for aliveness. Her death makes room for more light. The void she leaves asks us to fill it with more of what she practiced, and in our own ways. Yes we are starved. And the unconditional love we crave is available to us because it is inside of us. We do not have to wait for an imperfect human mother to change in order to receive it and feel it. We can reclaim and access Maternal love – not our imperfect human mother's conditional love – but the pure, unconditional Mother energy that exists within all of us. You can do this by cradling your lovely face in your hands for a few seconds and then by placing your hands over your heart. With your hands over your heart, repeat after me: I am here. I am alive. I don't have to be any different than I am in this very moment in order to feel and receive love. I choose to be open. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
The fable goes like this: A frog was hopping along the shore of a river looking for a place to cross. He came upon a scorpion sitting on the shore. “Hello, friend frog,” said the scorpion. “It appears you are looking to cross the river. I too want to cross. Would you mind carrying me?” The frog was taken aback. “Why, if I let you on my back to cross the river, you’d sting me and I would die. I don’t think I’ll do that.” The scorpion immediately replied, “There is no logic to your concern. If...
“Well I guess I was just a TERRIBLE mother then.” Did she ever say that to you? And did you find yourself trying to comfort her? Emotionally immature mothers can't see the both/and: I love my child AND I hurt my child. Instead of getting curious about your experience, she collapses into shame, defensiveness, excuses, and/or self-pity. And you end up saying: “No, Mom, you weren’t terrible…” thus taking care of her feelings again. You don’t need your mother to declare herself...
If your mother isn't aware that she's carrying shame, she won't be emotionally safe. You'll know this if you're avoiding her because you're afraid of her reaction if you bring up certain subjects. It's a sign that her shame overrides her ability to empathize with you. This is because shame (especially when it's internalized and she's unaware of it) makes it difficult, if not impossible, to regulate herself to be present with you. She can't tap into feelings of care and respect. You will be...