Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
anger and compassion are not either/or
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The meme said: "Be kind and full of love...but have boundaries like a motherf-er." Here’s what it gets wrong: there's no "but." Healthy boundaries ARE – in and of themselves – kind and full of love. They make room for anger. After more than a decade of helping women take care of themselves in the relationship they have with their mothers (including myself), here's what I know for sure: It's messy. There's no perfect answer. There's no precise way to do it. All you can do is be human (a human with healthy boundaries). And it's hard (sometimes). And it's enough. And it's beautiful. What's possible? Self-trust. Anger you can trust, hold, and wield intentionally. Compassion you can also trust (because I know you're sometimes afraid to feel compassion...because you're afraid that if you feel compassion you won't uphold your boundaries). The opposite is true. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
You know what has been super helpful to me in the past nine months since my mother ended her three-year silence to tell me she wants to move closer to me? Instead of trying to plan for every possible outcome and rehearsing all the possible conversations in my head (talk about exhausting and confusing), I ask myself: "Who do I want to be when I engage with her?" If you've been following along, my mother reached out to me in January to tell that she wants to move closer to me (she currently...
In 2019, after the Christchurch shooting in New Zealand, there was a photo of then New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern wrapping her arms around the survivors of that shooting. I shared with you then that when I saw the photo I was reminded that we live in a time so lacking in unconditional Mother Love. ~~~ We are still living in that time. ~~~ And Dolly? "The fact that a single human being could spend over sixty years in the global spotlight and leave behind a spotless record of...
Your mother is not entitled to decide that her desire for a "yes" invalidates your right to say "no." She may have reasons that are completely valid and your answer can still be "no." And: She's allowed to be disappointed. She's allowed to think you're unreasonable. She's allowed to wish you had answered differently. She's even allowed to complain about you. Kindness isn’t kindness when she has already decided you’re required to provide it. Practicing this reminds me that sometimes another...