I started writing this a few months ago, after conversations with several clients who were grappling with what I call the fury-devastation-shame cycle.

It's a cycle I am intimately familiar with and you might be too: someone says or does something and within the course of a few seconds or minutes, you find yourself furious, then devastated, and then experiencing shame. I've called it impotent rage. I've also heard it described as "toothless" anger.

Because in the end, your body's intelligence – your nervous system – doesn't feel safe with the anger and so it shuts you down.

If the "someone" happens to be your mother, this makes all the sense in the world. And it's maddening in and of itself, yes?!

It's what stops you from standing up for yourself.

I lived with the fury-devastation-shame cycle for decades. I knew I "should" be standing up for myself with my mother, but my nervous system wouldn't let me. Before I understood how my nervous system worked, I just thought I was pathetic. Weak.

After I understood how my nervous system worked, I was able to unshame that part of the cycle, but it wasn't until I – as they say in trauma circles – "expanded the capacity of my nervous system" that I was able to wield my anger more intentionally. To give it teeth, so to speak.

I recently had an opportunity to see it in action!

I call my mother every other Sunday. This is my boundary. We talk about only a few subjects. These are boundaries both of us have. During our most recent call, the conversation turned to...pasta!

What could possibly be the problem with pasta you ask?

Well, I choose not eat gluten because it makes my joints hurt and messes with my digestion. I've mentioned this to my mother many times over the years but she can't seem to take this information in. In the past, she's tut-tutted and thinks it's a silly fad that has no basis in reality.

And to be certain, I've not been diagnosed with celiac disease or Crohn's disease, but, as I said, I don't like how it feels in my body.

Anyhoo, we were talking about a mostly safe subject, cooking, when she mentioned a pasta dish that she likes. And then she said, "oh but you don't eat pasta for some reason."

And I said, "I eat gluten-free pasta."

Her voice got angry: "You don't eat gluten?"

And I said, "I don't eat gluten because I don't like how I feel when I eat it."

She went "pppfffttttt..." and then said "that's silly, that's ridiculous," and other things I don't remember.

I raised my voice, "If you can't respect the choices I make we can end the call now. I know how much you hated it when Grandma pooh-poohed your choices so please don't pooh-pooh my choices."

She continued, "well, I won't send you this recipe because you 'can't eat gluten'."

And I responded, "You sound just like Grandma. You hated it when she questioned your choices and what you knew was right for you. I know my body and I make choices that suit me. Please respect my choices."

I stayed present with myself and I thank the nervous system and self-concept work I've done to get me to this place, because in the end, she backed off.

My anger wasn't impotent or toothless. I respected myself.

You may think it wasn't worth it to "go there." Or you may think "I don't see why you bother, just cut her off."

But here's what I know:

There's a difference between the anger you feel when you're making your mother's words or behavior mean you don't deserve respect (and if you do this, it's not because there's something wrong with you, it's because you learned it wasn't safe to do otherwise)...

...and the anger you feel when you are being treated disrespectfully AND you are grounded in dignity and self-respect.

The former tends to be explosive, volcanic, long-lasting. You stoke it and ruminate over it and ultimately feel powerless with it.

The latter tends to be fast and clean-burning. You know what to do with it. It's NO! Or STOP IT! Or, it's a turning away...a withdrawing of your energy from that person.

It's a subtle, but important difference, especially in fraught mother-daughter relationships.

This is what it looks like to be unshamed in the relationship you have with your mother.

There is nothing wrong with withdrawing your energy from her.

And there's nothing wrong with wielding your anger when necessary...with exploring what it's like to act from that fast, cleaning-burning anger.

Because your anger is a part of you that loves you.

You get to choose in any given moment.

Much, much love,

Karen

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