Picture this...

You haven't seen or spoken to your 85-year-old mother in more than two years (click here for the back story).

You get a phone call from an ER nurse in the town where she lives (300 miles from where you live).

The nurse asks if [name] is your mother and you say yes.

She asks if you're local and you say no.

You ask if she can tell you what's going on with your mother and she says no.

She says they're deciding whether or not to admit her because they're not sure she should go home unless there's someone to keep an eye on her (besides her husband, who has Alzheimers and isn't living in a nursing home like you had assumed).

You tell the nurse you and your mother are estranged and she says that if necessary, someone will call back.

No one calls.

What would you do next?

I'll tell you what I did...and what I would have done 10 years ago.

What I did: nothing (and no guilt)

What I would have done 10 years ago: called the hospital, called the manager of the retirement community where she lives, maybe even driven up there so I could come to the rescue and take charge.

I've stepped out of the victim-villain-rescuer dynamic (aka the "drama triangle") we've been in our whole lives.

And I've adopted what some call the "empowerment triangle" or observer consciousness: a state of alignment with and acceptance of reality; observer consciousness is the state we are in when we see, and are in accordance with, the way things are.

Trust me when I say that I am not a permanent resident of the empowerment triangle :-)

When I am living in observer consciousness, I am able to decide what (if any) role I want to step into and who I want to be when/if I do so, while respecting my mother's boundaries.

I am choosing to be a curious observer until she herself, or a professional who has deemed her incapable of caring for herself, reaches out to me.

Maintaining clear, healthy boundaries means respecting hers, and she's been clear these past 16 months: she doesn't want to hear from me.

Old me would have wanted to insert myself into the situation, to control her under the guise of "rescuing" or "protecting" her. Of being a "good" daughter (as defined by others).

I am no longer concerned about what other people would do in my shoes. I am no longer concerned about what other people think about my level of involvement in her life.

Because I know my heart.

I do not wish harm on my mother. I do not want her to suffer. I respect the choices she has made for her own life. She is a free, autonomous woman and so am I.

And that feels like love, which, according to C.S. Lewis, “...is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”

Much, much love,

Karen

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