Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
who are you beyond the shame you experience?
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I was silent discoing on the boardwalk yesterday afternoon, reveling in how totally alive I feel when I partake of this relatively-new-to-me activity when a thought barged in: "It's about time you figured this out...too bad it took you until your 60s." Insert sad trombone sound here. I nearly stopped in my tracks and said to myself, "Seriously? That's what you're going to offer me?" But I didn't want to have a full-blown argument with myself, so I simply reminded myself: "How human of me...of course that's where my brain wants to go sometimes." Because here's the thing: I have two identities that sit alongside each other – shame-based Pathetic Loser Eeyore who mopes through life with her head down and intentional Silent Disco Queen who expresses whatever joy wants to flow through her. I mean, I contain multitudes, but for much of my life Eeyore was the default, while Queen was nowhere to be found until I sought her out on purpose. Being able to say to ourselves, in a self-shaming moment, "How human of me..." is an act of re-mothering. Seeking out our favorite selves on purpose is an act of re-mothering. Creating safety so our favorite selves can express themselves is an act of re-mothering. These are skills I share in the next Cycle Breaker Summit (complete with a downloadable worksheet to help you take this practice deeper). By cycle breakers for cycle breakers, the mission of the next Cycle Breaker Summit is to help you re-parent yourself. Over four days (December 9 - 12), 20+ compassionate presenters will share honest approaches to help you remember, embrace, and be your favorite self. The best part? It's free to attend. Click here to get your free ticket. As well, I’ll be doing a Facebook Live answering questions with some of the other participants on Monday, December 9th at 12 noon Pacific/3 p.m. Eastern. Would love to "meet" you there. Much, much love, Karen P.S. If you're on the waitlist for Shame School, stay tuned for a special Black Friday offer (on November 29) for the next round, which starts in February. |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
You can set the same boundary – distance, disconnection, even no contact – from a variety of different energies. It could be a protective survival strategy: fast, intense, and emotionally charged. It may feel like the only available option. It could also come from the grounded, clear, compassionate core of who you are beneath any armor (said with no disrespect to armor or "defensiveness"). Both responses are protective. Both are trying to take care of you. One protects you from pain by...
You were born knowing what you like and what you don't like, what's okay and what's not okay. You were born with the ability to express those preferences in myriad ways. In other words, you've always had boundaries. You've always known how to have boundaries. Boundaries are innate. I've heard boundaries described as being like an immune system: it's the part of you that knows how to respond to and repel abusive or toxic behavior. But at one time in your life, stuff happened and that innate...
[Pre-S: Boundaries Workshop April 30 1 p.m. - 3 p.m. Eastern $40] Some mothers are sometimes cruel, bullying, and manipulative (sometimes more than sometimes). There's just no other way to say it. There's no justification for it, either. I mean, sure, you can tell yourself she doesn't mean it or that it's her mental illness or the trauma that lives in her body or or or. It's still not justified. Because you matter. Your dignity matters. More than anything. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. And if there was...