Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
who are you beyond the shame you experience?
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I was silent discoing on the boardwalk yesterday afternoon, reveling in how totally alive I feel when I partake of this relatively-new-to-me activity when a thought barged in: "It's about time you figured this out...too bad it took you until your 60s." Insert sad trombone sound here. I nearly stopped in my tracks and said to myself, "Seriously? That's what you're going to offer me?" But I didn't want to have a full-blown argument with myself, so I simply reminded myself: "How human of me...of course that's where my brain wants to go sometimes." Because here's the thing: I have two identities that sit alongside each other – shame-based Pathetic Loser Eeyore who mopes through life with her head down and intentional Silent Disco Queen who expresses whatever joy wants to flow through her. I mean, I contain multitudes, but for much of my life Eeyore was the default, while Queen was nowhere to be found until I sought her out on purpose. Being able to say to ourselves, in a self-shaming moment, "How human of me..." is an act of re-mothering. Seeking out our favorite selves on purpose is an act of re-mothering. Creating safety so our favorite selves can express themselves is an act of re-mothering. These are skills I share in the next Cycle Breaker Summit (complete with a downloadable worksheet to help you take this practice deeper). By cycle breakers for cycle breakers, the mission of the next Cycle Breaker Summit is to help you re-parent yourself. Over four days (December 9 - 12), 20+ compassionate presenters will share honest approaches to help you remember, embrace, and be your favorite self. The best part? It's free to attend. Click here to get your free ticket. As well, I’ll be doing a Facebook Live answering questions with some of the other participants on Monday, December 9th at 12 noon Pacific/3 p.m. Eastern. Would love to "meet" you there. Much, much love, Karen P.S. If you're on the waitlist for Shame School, stay tuned for a special Black Friday offer (on November 29) for the next round, which starts in February. |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Rejecting shame is a radical act. It is guaranteed to rock your family's boat. To choose differently than what has been done for generations. To not do what was done just because they did it. When you make this choice you're shifting and changing generations of identity and belief. You're the one on the leading edge. And yet. The need to belong is primal. Choosing differently might rend the connection. It's risky. There's uncertainty. Your DNA informs who you are and connects you to your...
[Taking a moment to welcome you, if you're new here. Today's Love Note is on the longer side, it's about a 6-minute read] ~~~ TL;DR: The experience of shame makes us feel unsafe and feeling unsafe tends to also feel shameful. This isn't a personal failing, it's partly evolution/adaptation and partly cultural. Understanding the nature of shame and knowing how to navigate it can help us feel safer, individually and collectively. ~~~ Several years ago I heard part of an interview with Saeed...
Question from a reader: “I am estranged from my mother and now my adult daughter is thisclose to estranging herself from me. Can you help me so my daughter will feel loved by me? So I don’t repeat the patterns?” I applaud you for your awareness, the work you’ve already done (because it’s hard!), for the example you are setting, and for your willingness to do more. Your intentions are truly beautiful. Of COURSE you want the very best for her. OF COURSE you want to be part of her life. OF...