Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
who are you beyond the shame you experience?
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I was silent discoing on the boardwalk yesterday afternoon, reveling in how totally alive I feel when I partake of this relatively-new-to-me activity when a thought barged in: "It's about time you figured this out...too bad it took you until your 60s." Insert sad trombone sound here. I nearly stopped in my tracks and said to myself, "Seriously? That's what you're going to offer me?" But I didn't want to have a full-blown argument with myself, so I simply reminded myself: "How human of me...of course that's where my brain wants to go sometimes." Because here's the thing: I have two identities that sit alongside each other – shame-based Pathetic Loser Eeyore who mopes through life with her head down and intentional Silent Disco Queen who expresses whatever joy wants to flow through her. I mean, I contain multitudes, but for much of my life Eeyore was the default, while Queen was nowhere to be found until I sought her out on purpose. Being able to say to ourselves, in a self-shaming moment, "How human of me..." is an act of re-mothering. Seeking out our favorite selves on purpose is an act of re-mothering. Creating safety so our favorite selves can express themselves is an act of re-mothering. These are skills I share in the next Cycle Breaker Summit (complete with a downloadable worksheet to help you take this practice deeper). By cycle breakers for cycle breakers, the mission of the next Cycle Breaker Summit is to help you re-parent yourself. Over four days (December 9 - 12), 20+ compassionate presenters will share honest approaches to help you remember, embrace, and be your favorite self. The best part? It's free to attend. Click here to get your free ticket. As well, I’ll be doing a Facebook Live answering questions with some of the other participants on Monday, December 9th at 12 noon Pacific/3 p.m. Eastern. Would love to "meet" you there. Much, much love, Karen P.S. If you're on the waitlist for Shame School, stay tuned for a special Black Friday offer (on November 29) for the next round, which starts in February. |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
“Well I guess I was just a TERRIBLE mother then.” Did she ever say that to you? And did you find yourself trying to comfort her? Emotionally immature mothers can't see the both/and: I love my child AND I hurt my child. Instead of getting curious about your experience, she collapses into shame, defensiveness, excuses, and/or self-pity. And you end up saying: “No, Mom, you weren’t terrible…” thus taking care of her feelings again. You don’t need your mother to declare herself...
If your mother isn't aware that she's carrying shame, she won't be emotionally safe. You'll know this if you're avoiding her because you're afraid of her reaction if you bring up certain subjects. It's a sign that her shame overrides her ability to empathize with you. This is because shame (especially when it's internalized and she's unaware of it) makes it difficult, if not impossible, to regulate herself to be present with you. She can't tap into feelings of care and respect. You will be...
[this is a really long one] Have you read the book Daisy Jones & The Six? Or seen the 10-episode miniseries? It's about a fictional rock band from the 1970s. I read the book recently and then watched the series. I finished it yesterday. There's a scene in the final episode where Daisy (one of the lead singers)... ...who's mother was neglectful and emotionally abusive (there's a brief-but-impactful scene early in the series where her mother hisses angrily at little Daisy and says: “no one...