Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
who are you beyond the shame you experience?
|
I was silent discoing on the boardwalk yesterday afternoon, reveling in how totally alive I feel when I partake of this relatively-new-to-me activity when a thought barged in: "It's about time you figured this out...too bad it took you until your 60s." Insert sad trombone sound here. I nearly stopped in my tracks and said to myself, "Seriously? That's what you're going to offer me?" But I didn't want to have a full-blown argument with myself, so I simply reminded myself: "How human of me...of course that's where my brain wants to go sometimes." Because here's the thing: I have two identities that sit alongside each other – shame-based Pathetic Loser Eeyore who mopes through life with her head down and intentional Silent Disco Queen who expresses whatever joy wants to flow through her. I mean, I contain multitudes, but for much of my life Eeyore was the default, while Queen was nowhere to be found until I sought her out on purpose. Being able to say to ourselves, in a self-shaming moment, "How human of me..." is an act of re-mothering. Seeking out our favorite selves on purpose is an act of re-mothering. Creating safety so our favorite selves can express themselves is an act of re-mothering. These are skills I share in the next Cycle Breaker Summit (complete with a downloadable worksheet to help you take this practice deeper). By cycle breakers for cycle breakers, the mission of the next Cycle Breaker Summit is to help you re-parent yourself. Over four days (December 9 - 12), 20+ compassionate presenters will share honest approaches to help you remember, embrace, and be your favorite self. The best part? It's free to attend. Click here to get your free ticket. As well, I’ll be doing a Facebook Live answering questions with some of the other participants on Monday, December 9th at 12 noon Pacific/3 p.m. Eastern. Would love to "meet" you there. Much, much love, Karen P.S. If you're on the waitlist for Shame School, stay tuned for a special Black Friday offer (on November 29) for the next round, which starts in February. |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Here's the tweak: change the reason you are setting boundaries with your mother from: "Because she's doing something bad and wrong and I need to protect myself." to "Because I respect myself and know who I am and what I want." (Are there times when protection is appropriate? Yes. And as you evolve your boundaries practice, you will find that protection is needed less and less.) Setting boundaries because you think your mother shouldn’t be doing whatever it is she's doing, or because you don’t...
The meme said: "Be kind and full of love...but have boundaries like a motherf-er." Here’s what it gets wrong: there's no "but." Healthy boundaries ARE – in and of themselves – kind and full of love. They make room for anger. After more than a decade of helping women take care of themselves in the relationship they have with their mothers (including myself), here's what I know for sure: It's messy. There's no perfect answer. There's no precise way to do it. All you can do is be human (a human...
You know what has been super helpful to me in the past nine months since my mother ended her three-year silence to tell me she wants to move closer to me? Instead of trying to plan for every possible outcome and rehearsing all the possible conversations in my head (talk about exhausting and confusing), I ask myself: "Who do I want to be when I engage with her?" If you've been following along, my mother reached out to me in January to tell that she wants to move closer to me (she currently...