I see the parallels between a mother who abuses her daughter, and social / political / religious / cultural systems that abuse people.

One way to understand it is through the concept of vertical and horizontal morality.

Vertical morality is based on authority: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." In other words, I created you and I own you and I can do what I want with you. In a vertical morality system, violence isn't wrong because it harms someone, it's wrong only if you don't have the authority to do it.

In a horizontal morality system, violence is wrong because it causes harm.

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I was raised by a woman who enjoyed provoking and manipulating me, in whatever way she could – physically emotionally, mentally – to the point where, in a blind rage I'd resort to violence, trying to fight back only to have her abuse, shame, and squash me some more.

I learned quickly, at a young age, that anger wouldn't keep me safe.

It took me 40+ years to even recognize this dynamic (partly because we live in a vertical morality system) and I've been stepping out of it ever since.

I stopped giving her what she wanted and seemed to enjoy: my rage, my hurt, my shame.

There were several distinct phases of my journey.

That toothless, impotent rage started to change when I decided that I wanted to be angry. The distinction here is that prior, I didn't know it could be a choice.

Then I learned how to unshame my anger. Before I knew how to do that, I would enter what I call the rage / devastation / shame cycle.

The next significant step was understanding the wisdom of my anger: all it ever wanted was to stop the harm. I learned that it was an excellent signal, a spark that provided impetus to take action, but wasn't effective as long-term fuel.

I learned that I didn't have to be angry all the time (which was harmful to me) in order to set effective boundaries and that, in fact, the most effective boundaries I set were not made in the heat of the moment, but rather on what I value.

It wasn't about fighting back and harming her (although I used to have fantasies about that), it was about withdrawing my energy from her.

I have a protective fire in my belly that warms me. I can turn it up and I can turn it down. I can direct it. I can tend to it and try not let it burn me or take me out of being in service to what I value. This is a practice.

When I am triggered, it is much harder. As a human, there is no pinnacle of untriggered perfection. This is why unshaming being triggered is my jam.

Unshaming anger doesn't get rid of anger. It allows us to wield it intentionally and powerfully so we don't cause harm, betray our own values, or drain ourselves of our precious life force.

Much, much love,

Karen

I can help you do this. The second round of Shame School starts February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list.

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