I got a lot of responses to Showing My Work, in which I gave a brief accounting of what's happened between my mother and me in the past five years; wrote about a recent conversation with her in which I fawned; and how I noticed it and handled it.

My mother's increased contact with me is showing me exactly where my growth is and y'all want the details :-)

A week later, I had a very different conversation with her.

This time when she called, I was busy and didn't answer. She asked me to give her a call "when you can." I figured I'd call her the next day as I had a lot going on.

She called again that evening as I was getting ready for bed. I didn't answer and she didn't leave a message. She then called my husband, who didn't answer. This time she asked that one of us call her back ASAP.

Thinking that maybe her husband had died, I called her back.

"Where have you been all day?!?!" she asked in (what I perceive to be) her accusatory tone.

In my head, I was like, look lady, you didn't call me for three years, you ignored my emails and you have the effing nerve to ask me where I've been because I didn't ask "how high" when you said "jump"?

Instead, I kept it cool, firm, and matter-of-fact. Unbothered. Also known as grey rocking*.

I replied, "I've had a busy day mom, what's up?"

She told me that her husband is now on hospice in the hospital instead of the nursing home. I asked her if she had let her husband's son know. His son has been estranged from them since around the time they got married.

She said she had emailed him and that he had responded with snark. She wanted to read his email to me and I declined. She pushed it and I said again, "I'm good, I don't need to hear it."

Again she asked me where'd I'd been all day. "Living my life," I replied.

I closed the conversation with "Keep me posted."

Did my body still react? Of course. It was visibly shaking during the call. My heart was pounding and my breath was shallow.

But you know what? I didn't spontaneously combust. The earth didn't open up and swallow me whole.

I didn't shame myself. There was no "what's wrong with me that I can't talk to my mother without shaking and without my heart pounding?"

And that? THAT is what creating safety is all about. I showed the youngest, most fearful part of myself that it is safe with nearly 64-year-old me.

It's not that I've never stood up to her before...it's that I was more intentional with my energy, which is the result of creating safety and intentional identity, which results in healthy boundaries.

All of that to say, "we continue to do the codependent dance with certain others in our lives is because part of us truly believes it’s necessary for safety or survival ... codependent patterns are not a 'choice'. But breaking out of them has to be. And of course, choices do have consequences, but not all of those consequences are bad. Some of them can be quite liberating, even if others mean them to be destructive. 'Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose', as Ms. Joplin reminds us." ~ Dr. Glen Patrick Doyle

Because in scenarios with a mother who was (and may still be) abusive, it can be helpful to remember that she probably won't like it and, if she isn't safe with herself (like I described above), if she doesn't know how to take a beat and pay attention to what's happening in her body, she may rage, she may go silent, she may threaten, she may cry. She may cut ties with you just like my mother did three years ago.

And then she might reach out and ask you to take care of her. The Shame School Community is one way to prepare yourself.

Much, much love,

Karen

*Grey rocking looks like this. If she...

...accuses you, you say "okay." And nothing else. No defending. No arguing.

...insults you, you say "hmmm" and that's it.

...says, "you don't even care" and you say, "I hear you" and walk away.

...sends you paragraph and paragraph of all the things you did "wrong," you reply "noted."

...guilts you ("after all I've done for you") you say "I appreciate that" (no sarcasm or emotion).

...brings up old arguments, you say "that's in the past for me."

...gives you the silent treatment, you match her energy and live your life (I like to remind myself that I do not chase)

It's not about winning and it's not about being mean or cold hearted, it's about adjusting and conserving your energy and stepping out of the dynamic. Because not every poke from her deserves a performance or reaction.