Here's the tweak: change the reason you are setting boundaries with your mother from:

"Because she's doing something bad and wrong and I need to protect myself."

to

"Because I respect myself and know who I am and what I want."

(Are there times when protection is appropriate? Yes. And as you evolve your boundaries practice, you will find that protection is needed less and less.)

Setting boundaries because you think your mother shouldn’t be doing whatever it is she's doing, or because you don’t want her to do that thing, to tends to backfire.

You want her to stop.

She probably doesn't want to stop.

She doesn't see what she is doing as wrong.

Hinting at or outright telling her she's wrong won’t go over well.

Example: several years ago my mother came for a visit and one of the boundaries I planned to establish was not letting her use my computer.

In the past, she had used both my computer and my husband's computer and snooped. I knew this because she asked questions about stuff she wouldn’t have known otherwise and left documents open that neither I nor my husband had left open.

Of course I was pissed.

Of course I thought, “she shouldn’t do that.”

But I knew telling her so would:

#1 most likely escalate the situation,
​
#2 keep us in a dynamic I no longer wanted to be in, and
​
#3 have me acting in a way that I didn't like or respect.

So when she asked to use my computer, I was ready.

Instead of saying, ”No, you can’t use my computer because you snooped last time and that’s wrong, you shouldn’t do that”...

...what I said instead was, “no” (end of sentence).

When asked why I said “It’s my private space…no one uses my computer but me.”

And then, I stayed out of my office and off my computer for the duration of the visit. I kept the lights off in my office.

Was it uncomfortable and awkward? Yes.

Did it work? Also yes.

And can I just say how confident I felt as a result?

So if you’re wanting to set a boundary AND you're looking for the least amount of conflict, drama, pushback, questions, negotiations, etc., check the urge to explain why you're setting the boundary and/or hint at or directly tell your mother what she did (or is doing) is wrong.

You can communicate your boundary (which is basically a request and a change in your own behavior if your mother doesn't want to respect your request) without saying it that way explicitly.

If the goal is less drama, modeling less drama (and having a more breezy attitude) will go a long way.

Much, much love,

Karen

​P.S. If you want to free yourself the dysfunctional patterns your mother created, set boundaries that actually work, and maintain those boundaries even when she pushes back, argues, or negotiates, consider working with me. I am offering one-off 90-minute Zoom sessions for $250.

You'll walk away with clarity, next steps, resources to help you take action, and a week of follow up via text or email.