The fable goes like this: A frog was hopping along the shore of a river looking for a place to cross. He came upon a scorpion sitting on the shore. “Hello, friend frog,” said the scorpion. “It appears you are looking to cross the river. I too want to cross. Would you mind carrying me?” The frog was taken aback. “Why, if I let you on my back to cross the river, you’d sting me and I would die. I don’t think I’ll do that.” The scorpion immediately replied, “There is no logic to your concern. If...

“Well I guess I was just a TERRIBLE mother then.”⁠ Did she ever say that to you? And did you find yourself trying to comfort her? Emotionally immature mothers can't see the both/and:⁠ ⁠ I love my child AND I hurt my child.⁠ ⁠ Instead of getting curious about your experience, she collapses into shame, defensiveness, excuses, and/or self-pity.⁠ ⁠ And you end up saying:⁠ ⁠ “No, Mom, you weren’t terrible…”⁠ ⁠ thus taking care of her feelings again.⁠ ⁠ You don’t need your mother to declare herself...

If your mother isn't aware that she's carrying shame, she won't be emotionally safe. You'll know this if you're avoiding her because you're afraid of her reaction if you bring up certain subjects. It's a sign that her shame overrides her ability to empathize with you. This is because shame (especially when it's internalized and she's unaware of it) makes it difficult, if not impossible, to regulate herself to be present with you. She can't tap into feelings of care and respect. You will be...