Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
when your mother isn't aware of her own shame
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If your mother isn't aware that she's carrying shame, she won't be emotionally safe. You'll know this if you're avoiding her because you're afraid of her reaction if you bring up certain subjects. It's a sign that her shame overrides her ability to empathize with you. This is because shame (especially when it's internalized and she's unaware of it) makes it difficult, if not impossible, to regulate herself to be present with you. She can't tap into feelings of care and respect. You will be the villain for triggering the shame and it will go no where. And? The most important part? You are not responsible for any of it. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
[this is a really long one] Have you read the book Daisy Jones & The Six? Or seen the 10-episode miniseries? It's about a fictional rock band from the 1970s. I read the book recently and then watched the series. I finished it yesterday. There's a scene in the final episode where Daisy (one of the lead singers)... ...who's mother was neglectful and emotionally abusive (there's a brief-but-impactful scene early in the series where her mother hisses angrily at little Daisy and says: “no one...
Here's the tweak: change the reason you are setting boundaries with your mother from: "Because she's doing something bad and wrong and I need to protect myself." to "Because I respect myself and know who I am and what I want." (Are there times when protection is appropriate? Yes. And as you evolve your boundaries practice, you will find that protection is needed less and less.) Setting boundaries because you think your mother shouldn’t be doing whatever it is she's doing, or because you don’t...
The meme said: "Be kind and full of love...but have boundaries like a motherf-er." Here’s what it gets wrong: there's no "but." Healthy boundaries ARE – in and of themselves – kind and full of love. They make room for anger. After more than a decade of helping women take care of themselves in the relationship they have with their mothers (including myself), here's what I know for sure: It's messy. There's no perfect answer. There's no precise way to do it. All you can do is be human (a human...