The fable goes like this:

A frog was hopping along the shore of a river looking for a place to cross. He came upon a scorpion sitting on the shore. “Hello, friend frog,” said the scorpion. “It appears you are looking to cross the river. I too want to cross. Would you mind carrying me?” The frog was taken aback. “Why, if I let you on my back to cross the river, you’d sting me and I would die. I don’t think I’ll do that.”

The scorpion immediately replied, “There is no logic to your concern. If I sting you and you die, I will surely die as well, since I can’t swim. I wouldn’t need a ride if I could swim.”

The frog thought a moment and then said, “Your logic makes sense. Why would you kill me if it would result in your death? Come along and climb on my back and we’ll cross this river.”

The scorpion climbed on the frog’s back and off they went to cross the river.

About halfway across the river, the scorpion raised its tail and stung the frog. The frog was both astounded and disconsolate. “Why did you sting me? Now I will die and you will surely drown and die also.”

The scorpion replied, “I can’t help it. It’s who I am. It’s in my nature.”

For some of us, our aging mothers are the scorpion. They say they need us to carry them.

And some of us are the frog. Even though we're hesitant (for good reason), we "forget" the risk and let them climb on our backs.

~~~

Quick backstory: my mother (86) and I (64) have been estranged on and off since 2010 (I initiated it, but she has also stopped talking to me, sometimes for several years). Over the years she has indicated that she wants to move closer to me (she lives about 300 miles away in a different state) as she ages.

Then her husband died in August and she's now "under a lot of pressure" (which she has said many times) to move here "before the winter weather sets in."

Y'all: we live in New England and it's October.

She has gotten herself a realtor and asked me if I'd be willing* to look at places for her, and I said yes.

*Side note: when I work with clients who's aging mothers are starting to rely on them, I suggest they make three categories: 1. things you want to do (meaning you'd enjoy it), 2. things you're willing to do (it might not be your favorite thing, but you won't complain or feel put out by doing it), and 3. things that are a hell no (scroll down to see my new t-shirt).

The problem is that what she wants** is going to be hard to find, especially "before the winter weather sets in."

[**a one-story condo or "tiny house" with no stairs; her own laundry (versus a shared laundry room); an entrance that opens to the outside,
not a hallway, because she smokes, which also rules out renting; and a garage, all for under $300,000]

[Read this if you want to see the email I sent her a couple of weeks ago in which I was super clear about my boundaries, and her response]

~~~

So a couple of days ago I looked at a new listing. She said she might just have to buy it and then if she doesn't like it, sell and move again. It meets most of her requirements but also needs a lot of work inside. I took a bunch of photos and sent them to her along with this note:

Why is there pressure to move so fast? Who is pressuring you? When you said you would move here after Joe died, I thought you'd take at least six months, if not a year, to let yourself grieve and recover, and not have to make significant decisions. This is why I asked you about your expectations in regards to the help you want, both in terms of an actual move, and then after you're moved in. Because I will not take that pressure on myself. I will not help you "rush" to make a decision that will not only affect you negatively, but me as well.

See that healthy boundary? :-)

She hasn't responded to that part.

But she passed on this particular condo because it needs so much work.

She also seems to have slowed her roll a bit.

We shall see. In the meantime...

Much, much love,
Karen

P.S. I am a huge Ted Lasso fan and love Rebecca Welton's take on the frog-and-scorpion fable from the last episode of season 4:

I know you love the story of the scorpion and the frog. A lot of people do, but I care for a different one. A woman sees a scorpion drowning in the river, and she tries to help it over and over again, and keeps getting stung. A passerby asks, "Why do you keep bothering to help something that hurts you over and over again?" And the woman says, "It's in the scorpion's nature to sting, just as it's in my nature to save. Why would I change my nature just because of theirs?"

I share this because even though it's in my mother's nature to sting, and it's in my nature to save, "saving" has to include me! I will not let my mother change my nature.

Also, I've got a little stinger too, and I'm not afraid to use it.