I attended a networking event last week. At one point we were invited to share stories about "being in the arena" (a la Brené Brown quoting the "Man in the Arena"*)

There was lots of "from the heart" sharing. I stood up and talked a bit about my shame journey over the past several years, how I spent much of my life with the internalized story "I'm a pathetic loser," and how my brain still thinks that from time to time.

You could feel the air being sucked out the room. LOL

(this was the first time I shared this about myself "live and unscripted" in this kind of environment with people I don't know...with a microphone in my hand...in other words, "in the arena")

Afterwards, I received an email from an acquaintance who was there, whom I hadn't seen in ages. She wrote:

"You made me sad when you stood up and said how you are still identifying by how your mother saw you. What an awful thing to live with, even though you were laughing at it. I wanted to hug you. I have always felt that you were a beautiful, smart and quite amazing woman. But I could also feel a bit of a protective wall that was there."

Here's the thing (I let her know):

I do not still identify with the way my mother saw me. Not by a long shot.

BUT my brain still offers me that thought. There's a big difference between the two and it's crucial to understand it.

"My brain still offers me that thought" is neurologically accurate but not the same as inhabiting an identity.

At one time the "pathetic loser" identity/pattern was necessary for survival and my brain got really good at it, always prompting: "This works! Use this!"

It took me being able to identify it (and other stories I had internalized) in order to unshame it and no longer identify that way.

Trying to avoid or "get rid" of it (and the experience of shame) only resulted in more shame (because there must be something REALLY wrong with me if I can't get rid of it). I had to become conscious of it and accept it in order to change my relationship to it...and to create intentional stories so my brain had other options to choose from instead.

We humans aren't super keen on examining our internalized shame because it feels like if we acknowledge it, it must mean we deserve to experience it, or that it proves that we are, indeed, shameful.

It doesn't.

Done safely, with someone who is a compassionate witness...that's where freedom lies and it's the birthplace of the kind of joy that bubbles up organically and has you lit from within.

This is the story I am here to tell...and to teach others about the true nature of shame and what I know about navigating it, using the framework I created. Even if my voice shakes and it appears I am somewhat defensive, have a protective wall up, or shrink a little.

It makes all the sense in the world that I'd feel that way in the arena.

I am not going to wait until I no longer feel that way to do my work in the world, are you?

Much, much love,

Karen

In Shame School we safely examine and identify internalized shame-based identities, create intentional identities so our brains have more choices, and from there we create healthy boundaries to deal with the shamers (and sometimes they're sneaky and seemingly well meaning).

The second round of Shame School starts February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list.

Shame School is for the wild ones who reined it in and played small in order to stay safe. Who are ready to shrug off that bridle and buck off that saddle. Who want a life where shame no longer calls the shots. It's for the HellCats.

Want to work with me privately instead?

*“It is not the critic who counts; not the human who points out how the strong human stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the human who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends themselves in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if they fail, at least fails while daring greatly.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt