Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
"I refuse to be the oppressor to keep her safe."
"I refuse to be the oppressor to keep her safe." ~ Yolanda Williams, founder of the Parenting Decolonized podcast and community talking about parenting her daughter in this interview with Tanya Mosley, correspondent for NPR's Here & Now.
Yolanda Williams drops all the truthbombs...it is a MUST listen.
But the quote I highlighted above made me cheer out loud because it points to a dynamic many mothers find themselves in: (unconsciously) shaming/oppressing/traumatizing their children to keep them "in line" and safe from those in the world who would hurt or even kill them if they don't conform. And for people of color, that meant their whole physical being.
Parenting Decolonized is for black caregivers who are breaking the cycle of racial trauma. And everyone can learn.
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“Right now you are probably thinking: 'But you are idealizing mothers and motherhood. Many mothers are controlling. Some mothers are cruel. Others are depressed and disinterested in their children. Many of us bear the scars of bad mothering.
'Yes,' I answer, 'but you are describing mothers in patriarchy. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been taught that motherhood is or should be their only role. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been isolated in the home. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been deprived of help in the mothering role. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been taught that nurturing life is at best a secondary value'.” ~ Carol P. Christ in Do We Have To Hate Our Mothers? No, We Do Not!
When I think about a world where women are valued equally, I see a world where difficult mother-daughter relationships are rare.
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Laura Davis, author of The Burning Light of Two Stars: A Mother-Daughter Story and I had a fabulous conversation with Roseanne Corcoran, host of Daughterhood: The Podcast for Caregivers. Have a listen!
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Speaking of fabulous conversations, award-winning singer/songwriter and mindset coach Belinda Smith and I had one on her Money B.S. podcast. At the end she challenges me to a spelling bee, bringing me back to my days as a plastics industry trade magazine editor, and we also discuss roving impregnators (seriously) and giggle.
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In Part 4 of Walking The Path Of Estrangement: Welcoming Yourself Home, host Jill Bacharach speaks with Harriet Brown, author of several books including Shadow Daughter: A Memoir of Estrangement. This virtual event takes place Wednesday, March 16 at 5 p.m. Eastern. Click here to learn more and register.
Much, much love,
Karen
Listen to the Dear Adult Daughter Podcast
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
When you're a cycle breaker, a pattern disrupter...declaring "This ends with me" makes it sound like it's "one and done."And it isn't.The declaration is the start.It's words. Intention.Then it becomes embodied and iterative.Not perfectionistic (because we sure as hell don't need one more thing to be perfect at).I consider myself a cycle breaker and there are aspects of the cycle I won't be able to break.And that's okay.It can take many generations to break a cycle completely.My mother was a...
The fable goes like this: A frog was hopping along the shore of a river looking for a place to cross. He came upon a scorpion sitting on the shore. “Hello, friend frog,” said the scorpion. “It appears you are looking to cross the river. I too want to cross. Would you mind carrying me?” The frog was taken aback. “Why, if I let you on my back to cross the river, you’d sting me and I would die. I don’t think I’ll do that.” The scorpion immediately replied, “There is no logic to your concern. If...
“Well I guess I was just a TERRIBLE mother then.” Did she ever say that to you? And did you find yourself trying to comfort her? Emotionally immature mothers can't see the both/and: I love my child AND I hurt my child. Instead of getting curious about your experience, she collapses into shame, defensiveness, excuses, and/or self-pity. And you end up saying: “No, Mom, you weren’t terrible…” thus taking care of her feelings again. You don’t need your mother to declare herself...