Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
"I refuse to be the oppressor to keep her safe."
"I refuse to be the oppressor to keep her safe." ~ Yolanda Williams, founder of the Parenting Decolonized podcast and community talking about parenting her daughter in this interview with Tanya Mosley, correspondent for NPR's Here & Now.
Yolanda Williams drops all the truthbombs...it is a MUST listen.
But the quote I highlighted above made me cheer out loud because it points to a dynamic many mothers find themselves in: (unconsciously) shaming/oppressing/traumatizing their children to keep them "in line" and safe from those in the world who would hurt or even kill them if they don't conform. And for people of color, that meant their whole physical being.
Parenting Decolonized is for black caregivers who are breaking the cycle of racial trauma. And everyone can learn.
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“Right now you are probably thinking: 'But you are idealizing mothers and motherhood. Many mothers are controlling. Some mothers are cruel. Others are depressed and disinterested in their children. Many of us bear the scars of bad mothering.
'Yes,' I answer, 'but you are describing mothers in patriarchy. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been taught that motherhood is or should be their only role. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been isolated in the home. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been deprived of help in the mothering role. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been taught that nurturing life is at best a secondary value'.” ~ Carol P. Christ in Do We Have To Hate Our Mothers? No, We Do Not!
When I think about a world where women are valued equally, I see a world where difficult mother-daughter relationships are rare.
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Laura Davis, author of The Burning Light of Two Stars: A Mother-Daughter Story and I had a fabulous conversation with Roseanne Corcoran, host of Daughterhood: The Podcast for Caregivers. Have a listen!
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Speaking of fabulous conversations, award-winning singer/songwriter and mindset coach Belinda Smith and I had one on her Money B.S. podcast. At the end she challenges me to a spelling bee, bringing me back to my days as a plastics industry trade magazine editor, and we also discuss roving impregnators (seriously) and giggle.
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In Part 4 of Walking The Path Of Estrangement: Welcoming Yourself Home, host Jill Bacharach speaks with Harriet Brown, author of several books including Shadow Daughter: A Memoir of Estrangement. This virtual event takes place Wednesday, March 16 at 5 p.m. Eastern. Click here to learn more and register.
Much, much love,
Karen
Listen to the Dear Adult Daughter Podcast
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
"The cure for pain is in the pain." ~ Rumi Before leaving for college I remember thinking: "no one will know me there...I can start over...be someone else." It wasn't the first time I'd had that kind of thought and it certainly wasn't the last time. I had a version of that thought a few days ago. I wanted to run away. Not from home. Not from my husband. From myself. I am sitting here, having typed that, feeling the familiar sharp, prickly ache in my throat and behind my eyes. Stuck. Trapped....
I have often wondered why it feels like there’s nothing to forgive my father for, and/or why I have never felt significantly angry at – or hurt – by him. If you’ve been around for a while (or if you’ve read You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame), you know that I mostly speak warmly of him and our relationship, even though he and my mother were divorced when I was two, even though I didn’t see much of him as I was growing up, and even though he was willing to give up...
Your mother might think you owe her a version of yourself that distracts her from her responsibility to face her own...stuff. You do not owe her that. Much, much love, Karen P.S. If you still feel like you owe her, and you want to stop feeling that way, join the Shame School Community or work with me 1:1 (when you purchase a six [or more]-session package you also get Shame School). In the Shame School Community we focus on three things: safety, intentional identity, and healthy boundaries....