Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
"I refuse to be the oppressor to keep her safe."
"I refuse to be the oppressor to keep her safe." ~ Yolanda Williams, founder of the Parenting Decolonized podcast and community talking about parenting her daughter in this interview with Tanya Mosley, correspondent for NPR's Here & Now.
Yolanda Williams drops all the truthbombs...it is a MUST listen.
But the quote I highlighted above made me cheer out loud because it points to a dynamic many mothers find themselves in: (unconsciously) shaming/oppressing/traumatizing their children to keep them "in line" and safe from those in the world who would hurt or even kill them if they don't conform. And for people of color, that meant their whole physical being.
Parenting Decolonized is for black caregivers who are breaking the cycle of racial trauma. And everyone can learn.
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“Right now you are probably thinking: 'But you are idealizing mothers and motherhood. Many mothers are controlling. Some mothers are cruel. Others are depressed and disinterested in their children. Many of us bear the scars of bad mothering.
'Yes,' I answer, 'but you are describing mothers in patriarchy. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been taught that motherhood is or should be their only role. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been isolated in the home. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been deprived of help in the mothering role. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been taught that nurturing life is at best a secondary value'.” ~ Carol P. Christ in Do We Have To Hate Our Mothers? No, We Do Not!
When I think about a world where women are valued equally, I see a world where difficult mother-daughter relationships are rare.
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Laura Davis, author of The Burning Light of Two Stars: A Mother-Daughter Story and I had a fabulous conversation with Roseanne Corcoran, host of Daughterhood: The Podcast for Caregivers. Have a listen!
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Speaking of fabulous conversations, award-winning singer/songwriter and mindset coach Belinda Smith and I had one on her Money B.S. podcast. At the end she challenges me to a spelling bee, bringing me back to my days as a plastics industry trade magazine editor, and we also discuss roving impregnators (seriously) and giggle.
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In Part 4 of Walking The Path Of Estrangement: Welcoming Yourself Home, host Jill Bacharach speaks with Harriet Brown, author of several books including Shadow Daughter: A Memoir of Estrangement. This virtual event takes place Wednesday, March 16 at 5 p.m. Eastern. Click here to learn more and register.
Much, much love,
Karen
Listen to the Dear Adult Daughter Podcast
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
[this is a really long one] Have you read the book Daisy Jones & The Six? Or seen the 10-episode miniseries? It's about a fictional rock band from the 1970s. I read the book recently and then watched the series. I finished it yesterday. There's a scene in the final episode where Daisy (one of the lead singers)... ...who's mother was neglectful and emotionally abusive (there's a brief-but-impactful scene early in the series where her mother hisses angrily at little Daisy and says: “no one...
Here's the tweak: change the reason you are setting boundaries with your mother from: "Because she's doing something bad and wrong and I need to protect myself." to "Because I respect myself and know who I am and what I want." (Are there times when protection is appropriate? Yes. And as you evolve your boundaries practice, you will find that protection is needed less and less.) Setting boundaries because you think your mother shouldn’t be doing whatever it is she's doing, or because you don’t...
The meme said: "Be kind and full of love...but have boundaries like a motherf-er." Here’s what it gets wrong: there's no "but." Healthy boundaries ARE – in and of themselves – kind and full of love. They make room for anger. After more than a decade of helping women take care of themselves in the relationship they have with their mothers (including myself), here's what I know for sure: It's messy. There's no perfect answer. There's no precise way to do it. All you can do is be human (a human...