The Shame Whispereruthor of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
"I refuse to be the oppressor to keep her safe."
"I refuse to be the oppressor to keep her safe." ~ Yolanda Williams, founder of the Parenting Decolonized podcast and community talking about parenting her daughter in this interview with Tanya Mosley, correspondent for NPR's Here & Now.
Yolanda Williams drops all the truthbombs...it is a MUST listen.
But the quote I highlighted above made me cheer out loud because it points to a dynamic many mothers find themselves in: (unconsciously) shaming/oppressing/traumatizing their children to keep them "in line" and safe from those in the world who would hurt or even kill them if they don't conform. And for people of color, that meant their whole physical being.
Parenting Decolonized is for black caregivers who are breaking the cycle of racial trauma. And everyone can learn.
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“Right now you are probably thinking: 'But you are idealizing mothers and motherhood. Many mothers are controlling. Some mothers are cruel. Others are depressed and disinterested in their children. Many of us bear the scars of bad mothering.
'Yes,' I answer, 'but you are describing mothers in patriarchy. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been taught that motherhood is or should be their only role. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been isolated in the home. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been deprived of help in the mothering role. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been taught that nurturing life is at best a secondary value'.” ~ Carol P. Christ in Do We Have To Hate Our Mothers? No, We Do Not!
When I think about a world where women are valued equally, I see a world where difficult mother-daughter relationships are rare.
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Laura Davis, author of The Burning Light of Two Stars: A Mother-Daughter Story and I had a fabulous conversation with Roseanne Corcoran, host of Daughterhood: The Podcast for Caregivers. Have a listen!
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Speaking of fabulous conversations, award-winning singer/songwriter and mindset coach Belinda Smith and I had one on her Money B.S. podcast. At the end she challenges me to a spelling bee, bringing me back to my days as a plastics industry trade magazine editor, and we also discuss roving impregnators (seriously) and giggle.
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In Part 4 of Walking The Path Of Estrangement: Welcoming Yourself Home, host Jill Bacharach speaks with Harriet Brown, author of several books including Shadow Daughter: A Memoir of Estrangement. This virtual event takes place Wednesday, March 16 at 5 p.m. Eastern. Click here to learn more and register.
Much, much love,
Karen
Listen to the Dear Adult Daughter Podcast
Karen C.L. Anderson
The Shame Whispereruthor of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
[AITA = Am I The Asshole, which, as far as I can tell, had its genesis on Reddit in 2013 and became a place for people to post about their real-world interpersonal conflicts and receive advice and judgement from fellow redditors. Did you know that advice columns have been around since 1690?] A reporter sent out a query asking for input on this question and I wanted to share my response with you because most of us are walking around hoping that we're not the asshole. And what if there was a...
...and blame isn't universally bad or wrong, and it's something we are often shamed for. [this is a long one] Remember the conversation I had 20-ish years ago with my father-in-law, who was a soft-spoken, unassuming, wise Lutheran pastor originally from Canada? If you're new to my world, here it is (and if you know this story, there's a new twist): I was telling him about the difficult relationship I had with my mother and what I might do to make it better (i.e., have an honest conversation...
"It's hard not to be on the defensive, after a lifetime of being defensive," she said."Of COURSE you're defensive...it makes all the sense in the world that you're defensive," I replied. "I'm defensive, too.""Oh wow...why do I feel like crying with relief?" she asked."Because you've been making yourself wrong for being defensive," I answered. "Getting mad at yourself for being defensive is like getting mad at yourself for shivering when you're cold. We're biologically wired for it.""It feels...