[PreS: I am offering $500 off a 12-session package through the end of the year. See below for more]

You never have to explain or justify yourself.

If you've been conditioned to wait for someone (your mother) to tell you that your decisions are good or bad or right or wrong, then the freedom to choose what you want won't feel like freedom, it will feel like a threat.

~~~

I once worked with a client who wanted to set boundaries with her mother. She had written a letter and planned to read it to her mother over the phone, then send it via both email and regular mail.

She wanted to cover all the bases because was concerned that her mother would interrupt her, argue with her, etc. She wanted to have the exact right thing to say for every potential scenario or argument that might come up.

It was quite long and formally written, with phrases like, "please refrain from..." and "I need you to..." and "I ask that you..." followed by reasons and explanations.

Example: "I ask that you stop sending my children religious gifts because we no longer practice religion."

I explained that what she was doing was making a request, not establishing a boundary.

Her eyes widened.

"You can certainly ask your mother to stop sending your children religious gifts, but the actual boundary you establish will be about how your behavior changes when and if she doesn't honor your request. You can simply let your own behavior and actions speak for you…meaning, you don't have to tell your mother that you're establishing boundaries, all you have to do is know what YOU will do if your mother crosses them."

Her jaw literally dropped.

“But don’t I have to explain why?”

No.

Unless you're trying to control your mother and her behavior, no explanation or justification is needed.

And? I get it. As women, we’ve got centuries of socialization and conditioning that tell us we need to have a "good" reason or explanation for ANYTHING we do.

The urge to explain keeps us in immature energy. Infantalized.

I’m not saying that you should never explain. Depending on the nature of the relationship, and what you want to grow in that relationship, you might choose to further explain once you are grounded in, and have owned your decision.

But an explanation is never owed.

When you explain your boundaries, your mother thinks you are open to negotiation or that she gets some kind of veto if she doesn’t like it or agree.

Then you become defensive and you try to maintain your boundaries with defensive energy (I did this for the better part of 40 years).

Then you’re exhausted. Your energy is zapped and your attention diverted from what’s really important to you. You’re wary and vigilant, feeling like you have to constantly monitor, adjust, and renegotiate.

While setting and maintaining healthy boundaries isn’t (unfortunately) like flipping a switch, it can be simpler, easier, and less fraught when you remember two things:

#1 Healthy boundaries serve a greater good* whether your mother agrees or not.

#2 Not only do you not have to communicate your boundaries in writing or out loud using your voice, you don’t have to explain or justify them either.

[*What is that greater good? Moving the needle on gender equality, for one.
Being a role model for what it looks like to take care of yourself.
Autonomy and sovereignty for both you and whomever it is you're setting boundaries with.
Not to mention being someone who is safe...who is kind enough to be clear with others about where they stand.]

Much, much love,

Karen

P.S. Here's what my client decided to do when her mother (inevitably) sent religious gifts: she donated some of them and threw the rest away.

Spend a few months with me (1:1) and we'll create three things together that will help you take care of yourself in the relationship you have with your mother: safety, intentional identity, and healthy boundaries. This coaching package is normally $2700 but I am offering it for $500 off if you purchase before the end of 2025 and pay in full.​
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This incudes:

• Twelve (12) 90-minute coaching sessions on Zoom
• Email or Voxer chat support in between sessions
• Access to The Mother Lode Library (self-coaching tools, explainers, worksheets, inspiration, and other resources housed on Google Drive).
• A copy of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame (paperback or Kindle)

Coaching packages are non-refundable. Please purchase with love and consideration.