The Shame Whispereruthor of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
flip the script: resentment
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Conversation with a client (with her permission): "Just the thought of setting a boundary with her brings up guilt, shame, responsibility...my mother has health issues and expects me to do everything for her so she can remain living on her own, when she should be in assisted living. She's had this sort of control over me my whole life." I asked her how she wants it to be. "I just want it to be friendly and kind and caring," she said. “I'd like my mom to give a shit about my life, have respect for me and all I do for her. I have so much resentment towards her that my husband recently pulled me aside to tell me that I'm not doing a good job hiding my contempt. Therein lies the shame and guilt. I don't know how to have that conversation with myself to make it all okay. I swallow everything down until it starts to bubble up again. Rinse. Repeat.” "What if you just allowed yourself to feel resentment and practiced thinking it’s okay?" I asked. “But I hate that I feel resentment and then the shame comes, like how dare I be upset about the way the relationship is.” What if your resentment loves you? What if instead of hating it, you were curious about it? What if you dared to be upset without making yourself wrong? Her eyes widened. Then her entire being relax. Her shoulders dropped. She sighed. She sat back. Supported. "Bring yourself back to what YOU think and feel. Because we know it's highly unlikely that she's going to change. The good news is that she doesn't need to change in order for you to feel...better. The first step is to lean into your desire to feel resentment. And you're over there thinking, 'WHAT? I don't want to feel resentment!' And that's because you think feeling resentment means something is wrong with you and it proves how bad you are. The only thing it proves is that you're human." Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Lean into it. Don't judge yourself. Don't make it mean that there's something wrong with you. See what happens. You might just find the freedom to set some healthy boundaries. Much, much love, Karen Check out my interview on The Art of Imperfect Adulting where I talk about the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back in regards to my relationship with my mother. |
Karen C.L. Anderson
The Shame Whispereruthor of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
My husband Tim and our dog Scout are a therapy dog team. At the local hospital Scout's philosophy is: "Every human deserves a visit." You get a visit if you're handcuffed to a gurney in the ER...you get a visit if you're the police officer sitting next to the person handcuffed to the gurney. You get a visit if you've got cancer...you get a visit if you are the nurse administering the chemotherapy. You get a visit if you're the person in the bed dying...you get a visit if you're the family...
[AITA = Am I The Asshole, which, as far as I can tell, had its genesis on Reddit in 2013 and became a place for people to post about their real-world interpersonal conflicts and receive advice and judgement from fellow redditors. Did you know that advice columns have been around since 1690?] A reporter sent out a query asking for input on this question and I wanted to share my response with you because most of us are walking around hoping that we're not the asshole. And what if there was a...
...and blame isn't universally bad or wrong, and it's something we are often shamed for. [this is a long one] Remember the conversation I had 20-ish years ago with my father-in-law, who was a soft-spoken, unassuming, wise Lutheran pastor originally from Canada? If you're new to my world, here it is (and if you know this story, there's a new twist): I was telling him about the difficult relationship I had with my mother and what I might do to make it better (i.e., have an honest conversation...