Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
How do I stop working so hard to please my self-absorbed mother?
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[have a question you'd like me to answer? hit reply on this email and ask! I'll answer here, keeping you anonymous...Dear Abby's got nothin' on me!] Question from a reader: How do I stop working so hard to please my self-absorbed mother? Dear Adult Daughter… People-pleasing (aka “fawning” or “appeasing”) is a stress/trauma response/adaptation. It is something your very young nervous system did to keep you safe and alive. Understanding that (and not making yourself wrong for doing it) is the first step. Then it’s a matter of getting to know yourself with curiosity. Think back to a recent time when you pleased her and journal on these prompts: What was happening? What did she want? What was the threat my body perceived. Put another way, if I don’t please her what is the bad thing that will happen…and then what…and then what? What sensations did my body experience? Can I remember the moment I got the urge to please her? What did that urge feel like in my body? If I had to put that urge into words, what would it say? I know you probably want these responses/reactions to stop completely but that is unlikely. That said, noticing the urge allows you to unshame it and when you peel off the shame layer, you're able to make a different choice. Unshaming your body’s intelligence goes a long way towards being able to stop pleasing her, but you may always feel the urge. Sometimes you will act on it, and sometimes you won’t. When you notice the urge, ask yourself: How can I be in service to what my body is communicating? What do I need to believe about myself in order not to “please” her? How can I take care of myself in that moment? What can I do instead? Your healthy boundaries are as much for you as they are for her. They serve a greater good. Much, much love, Karen P.S. Sure I can help you cope with your mother. I can help you access emotions that you learned to shut down in order to stay safe (hello anger). I can help you establish and maintain boundaries. But the cherry on top? Your unbridled joy (because I bet that wasn't safe either). I’ve got space for you.
How Could A Mother Do That To Her Daughter? (my latest post on Substack) |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
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