Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
focus on being a joy and a delight to yourself...
|
...rather than on being a disappointment to her. If it's hard, remember, not only were you taught not to focus on being a joy and a delight to yourself, you were probably actively discouraged from it. From earliest childhood those of us socialized as women were taught and persuaded to survey everything we are and everything we do in terms of how we appear to others. Our own sense of being in ourselves is supplanted by a sense of being appreciated by others. Others act and we...appear. Others look at us. We watch ourselves being looked at. This determines not only most relations between men and women, but also the relation of women to themselves and to other women, including our mothers and daughters. It is never too late to be focused on being a joy and a delight to yourself. This is the work of re-parenting on a deep level and I share an exercise that will help you do it in the next Cycle Breaker Summit (complete with a downloadable worksheet). This free event runs December 9 - 12. Click here to get your free ticket. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Rejecting shame is a radical act. It is guaranteed to rock your family's boat. To choose differently than what has been done for generations. To not do what was done just because they did it. When you make this choice you're shifting and changing generations of identity and belief. You're the one on the leading edge. And yet. The need to belong is primal. Choosing differently might rend the connection. It's risky. There's uncertainty. Your DNA informs who you are and connects you to your...
[Taking a moment to welcome you, if you're new here. Today's Love Note is on the longer side, it's about a 6-minute read] ~~~ TL;DR: The experience of shame makes us feel unsafe and feeling unsafe tends to also feel shameful. This isn't a personal failing, it's partly evolution/adaptation and partly cultural. Understanding the nature of shame and knowing how to navigate it can help us feel safer, individually and collectively. ~~~ Several years ago I heard part of an interview with Saeed...
Question from a reader: “I am estranged from my mother and now my adult daughter is thisclose to estranging herself from me. Can you help me so my daughter will feel loved by me? So I don’t repeat the patterns?” I applaud you for your awareness, the work you’ve already done (because it’s hard!), for the example you are setting, and for your willingness to do more. Your intentions are truly beautiful. Of COURSE you want the very best for her. OF COURSE you want to be part of her life. OF...