The Shame Whispereruthor of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
focus on being a joy and a delight to yourself...
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...rather than on being a disappointment to her. If it's hard, remember, not only were you taught not to focus on being a joy and a delight to yourself, you were probably actively discouraged from it. From earliest childhood those of us socialized as women were taught and persuaded to survey everything we are and everything we do in terms of how we appear to others. Our own sense of being in ourselves is supplanted by a sense of being appreciated by others. Others act and we...appear. Others look at us. We watch ourselves being looked at. This determines not only most relations between men and women, but also the relation of women to themselves and to other women, including our mothers and daughters. It is never too late to be focused on being a joy and a delight to yourself. This is the work of re-parenting on a deep level and I share an exercise that will help you do it in the next Cycle Breaker Summit (complete with a downloadable worksheet). This free event runs December 9 - 12. Click here to get your free ticket. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
The Shame Whispereruthor of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
[AITA = Am I The Asshole, which, as far as I can tell, had its genesis on Reddit in 2013 and became a place for people to post about their real-world interpersonal conflicts and receive advice and judgement from fellow redditors. Did you know that advice columns have been around since 1690?] A reporter sent out a query asking for input on this question and I wanted to share my response with you because most of us are walking around hoping that we're not the asshole. And what if there was a...
...and blame isn't universally bad or wrong, and it's something we are often shamed for. [this is a long one] Remember the conversation I had 20-ish years ago with my father-in-law, who was a soft-spoken, unassuming, wise Lutheran pastor originally from Canada? If you're new to my world, here it is (and if you know this story, there's a new twist): I was telling him about the difficult relationship I had with my mother and what I might do to make it better (i.e., have an honest conversation...
"It's hard not to be on the defensive, after a lifetime of being defensive," she said."Of COURSE you're defensive...it makes all the sense in the world that you're defensive," I replied. "I'm defensive, too.""Oh wow...why do I feel like crying with relief?" she asked."Because you've been making yourself wrong for being defensive," I answered. "Getting mad at yourself for being defensive is like getting mad at yourself for shivering when you're cold. We're biologically wired for it.""It feels...