Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
focus on being a joy and a delight to yourself...
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...rather than on being a disappointment to her. If it's hard, remember, not only were you taught not to focus on being a joy and a delight to yourself, you were probably actively discouraged from it. From earliest childhood those of us socialized as women were taught and persuaded to survey everything we are and everything we do in terms of how we appear to others. Our own sense of being in ourselves is supplanted by a sense of being appreciated by others. Others act and we...appear. Others look at us. We watch ourselves being looked at. This determines not only most relations between men and women, but also the relation of women to themselves and to other women, including our mothers and daughters. It is never too late to be focused on being a joy and a delight to yourself. This is the work of re-parenting on a deep level and I share an exercise that will help you do it in the next Cycle Breaker Summit (complete with a downloadable worksheet). This free event runs December 9 - 12. Click here to get your free ticket. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
In yesterday's Love Note (how to care for a narcissistic family member without losing yourself) I wasn't clear about a nuanced subject and inelegantly missed a point. I wrote: If being consistent and upholding our boundaries isn't respected, we feel forced to do something (go no contact) that reflects our deep lack of self-respect: I'm not worth having my boundaries respected. It made sense in my head in the moment, but when I read it later I realized YIKES! That is NOT what I meant. SO!...
How To Care For A Narcissistic Family Member Without Losing Yourself (from AARP) When it comes to setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic tendencies, "consistency matters more than persuasion." And that can be frustrating. We want our boundaries to be a "set it and forget it" process. We want her to hear it the first time and comply. And when she doesn't, we get mad at her for not respecting our boundaries...for "making us" repeat ourselves over and over and over again. This next...
I still don't know what I was looking forAnd my time was running wildA million dead-end streetsEvery time I thought I'd got it madeIt seemed the taste was not so sweetSo I turned myself to face me David Bowie ~ Changes I used to chase change. BIG, SIGNIFICANT, OBVIOUS CHANGE. The faster the better. So I could point to it and say, "See? I've learned. I've changed. I've improved. Now I am worthy." You too? Hello survival response. Hello action borne of shame. More recently though, it's the...