The Shame Whispereruthor of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
countering the bowed posture of shame
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When my husband and I got engaged in 1997, my mother had just met the man who would become her third husband. They had a whirlwind romance and as we planned for our wedding, my mother suggested we have a joint wedding. I had the wherewithal to say no. She then asked if, instead of throwing my bouquet to all the single women at my wedding that I give it to her. I hadn't planned on a bouquet toss (I am not big on tradition) so I made a show of giving it to her during our reception. She and her husband were married six months later. This past weekend I came across a candid picture of my mother and me at her wedding reception. There we are, our hands holding our forks the same way, our eyes cast downward at whatever it was were eating. She in the foreground, me by her side. My body language says it all. Just looking at it I can feel myself shrinking, my body curling inward, my head bowed, almost like a turtle trying to pull its head inside its shell. But still in lockstep with her. It would be another 12 years before I consciously started to take back my life, and my power, from her. That I had given it to her in the first place makes all the sense in the world to me now, but I shamed myself for years because in my mind, "letting her" have that power meant I was weak, pathetic, passive, and ineffectual. What I know now is that "letting her" have that power was a highly intelligent adaptation my body made to keep me alive. Her fight was too much for my nervous system so it "chose" freeze/appease. It knew that fighting back would never work. Which isn't to say I had no fight in me. I just turned it inward and hurt myself, quite literally. Unshaming anger, and learning that it is a part of me that loves me and that I can trust (and more importantly be safe with) it has made all the difference. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
The Shame Whispereruthor of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Picture this... You haven't seen or spoken to your 85-year-old mother in more than two years (click here for the back story). You get a phone call from an ER nurse in the town where she lives (300 miles from where you live). The nurse asks if [name] is your mother and you say yes. She asks if you're local and you say no. You ask if she can tell you what's going on with your mother and she says no. She says they're deciding whether or not to admit her because they're not sure she should go...
You might be an adult daughter navigating a painful relationship with your mother. You might be a mother trying to break generational patterns. You might be someone who has carried shame for so long you've forgotten what it feels like to flourish. You... Want to dismantle the shame that keeps you small Are willing to face difficult truths with compassion Crave joy but struggle to make it feel safe Need support navigating complex family relationships Are tired of self-help that demands you...
[PreS: I am offering $500 off a 12-session package through the end of the year. See below for more] You never have to explain or justify yourself. If you've been conditioned to wait for someone (your mother) to tell you that your decisions are good or bad or right or wrong, then the freedom to choose what you want won't feel like freedom, it will feel like a threat. ~~~ I once worked with a client who wanted to set boundaries with her mother. She had written a letter and planned to read it to...