Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
countering the bowed posture of shame
|
When my husband and I got engaged in 1997, my mother had just met the man who would become her third husband. They had a whirlwind romance and as we planned for our wedding, my mother suggested we have a joint wedding. I had the wherewithal to say no. She then asked if, instead of throwing my bouquet to all the single women at my wedding that I give it to her. I hadn't planned on a bouquet toss (I am not big on tradition) so I made a show of giving it to her during our reception. She and her husband were married six months later. This past weekend I came across a candid picture of my mother and me at her wedding reception. There we are, our hands holding our forks the same way, our eyes cast downward at whatever it was were eating. She in the foreground, me by her side. My body language says it all. Just looking at it I can feel myself shrinking, my body curling inward, my head bowed, almost like a turtle trying to pull its head inside its shell. But still in lockstep with her. It would be another 12 years before I consciously started to take back my life, and my power, from her. That I had given it to her in the first place makes all the sense in the world to me now, but I shamed myself for years because in my mind, "letting her" have that power meant I was weak, pathetic, passive, and ineffectual. What I know now is that "letting her" have that power was a highly intelligent adaptation my body made to keep me alive. Her fight was too much for my nervous system so it "chose" freeze/appease. It knew that fighting back would never work. Which isn't to say I had no fight in me. I just turned it inward and hurt myself, quite literally. Unshaming anger, and learning that it is a part of me that loves me and that I can trust (and more importantly be safe with) it has made all the difference. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
I got a note from a former client who wanted to share that she no longer experiences guilt when she sets boundaries with her mother. She said it's because she's no longer afraid of guilt. She fully expects to feel it, but instead of being afraid of it, she has an attitude of "bring it on!" She said it's because I once suggested, if she had a choice between guilt and regret, to see what it would be like to choose guilt. So she kept choosing guilt and eventually realized it was a nothing...
Like many malls across the U.S., our local mall closed. Today. A few stores hung on the very end but the vast majority have been gone for well over a year. The good news is that the property was sold to a company that will be using it for engineering and office space. This past winter (which was particularly cold and snowy here in Southeastern Connecticut) mall management opened the doors to anyone who wanted to walk their dogs, so Tim and I took Scout there a few times. There's also a play...
If you were raised by a mother with narcissistic tendencies you don't want to miss a free event created by Pi Venus Winslow: Trusting After Trauma, Redefining Life After Narcissistic Abuse. Pi invited me, along with 15 others in the field, to share our expertise on how to trust after that kind of trauma. I will be sharing the ins and outs of creating Intentional Identity, which is foundational for being able to trust yourself more. If you notice yourself not fully trusting people you want to...