Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
anatomy of a boundary-setting conversation
|
Scene: family holiday gathering Them: [insert the thing they say every time, which you really wish they wouldn't say] You: [queue anger, regret, resentment, guilt, shame, self-recrimination] ~~~ Here's how it's going to go down instead: They get to say what they want (no matter how much you wish they wouldn't). You get to make a request: I’d prefer not to talk about that. [notice what comes up when you think about saying that...imagine the many tones of voice with which you could say it] They get to decide if they want to honor your request. You get to decide what you will do if they don’t. Maybe you change the subject. Maybe you leave the conversation. Maybe you withdraw your energy and attention from them. Whatever it is you decide to do, think of it not as punishing them, but as taking care of yourself. "Your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces: 'I will be treated sacredly'."~ Jaiya John If the idea of announcing, even if just to yourself, "I will be treated sacredly" feels awkward, like a stretch, or an impossibility...of COURSE it does. We aren't taught to think this way about ourselves (and maybe our mothers didn't model it for us)...and in some cases we were actively discouraged from it! But it's the place to start. What does someone who treats themselves sacredly – with respect – do in situations they don't want to be in? Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to work with me privately instead?
|
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
In the movie The Sixth Sense, a young boy named Cole Sear can see and talk to the dead. "I see dead people," he says to the psychologist he sees. Cole says the dead walk around like regular people, but they don't see each other and they don't know they're dead. His gift was distressing to him and he often felt isolated because of it. Cole eventually overcomes his fear of the ghosts that visit him and is able to help them find closure. I see shamed people. I can see and talk to them...they...
If you've been thinking about joining the Shame School Community but are hesitating, I've got you. I will be hanging out on Zoom on Thursday, February 19 at 1 p.m. Eastern and then again on Tuesday February 24 at 4 p.m. Eastern. Come say hello, meet me, and get your questions answered. I would love to get to know you (even if just a little bit :-). Click here to add the February 19 call to your calendar Click here to add the February 24 call to your calendar I don't do pressure. Much, much...
That moment when someone with narcissistic behavior (who has no idea about your mother, your background, or what you do for a living) tries their shit on you and you're like "hold my beer." ~~~ I live in a small, relatively new neighborhood with 14 homes and a Homeowner's Association (HOA), which is required because there are seven acres of common area that need to be maintained according to the town's ordinances. From the get-go there's been ONE neighbor who seems hellbent on making trouble:...