The Shame Whispereruthor of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
anatomy of a boundary-setting conversation
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Scene: family holiday gathering Them: [insert the thing they say every time, which you really wish they wouldn't say] You: [queue anger, regret, resentment, guilt, shame, self-recrimination] ~~~ Here's how it's going to go down instead: They get to say what they want (no matter how much you wish they wouldn't). You get to make a request: I’d prefer not to talk about that. [notice what comes up when you think about saying that...imagine the many tones of voice with which you could say it] They get to decide if they want to honor your request. You get to decide what you will do if they don’t. Maybe you change the subject. Maybe you leave the conversation. Maybe you withdraw your energy and attention from them. Whatever it is you decide to do, think of it not as punishing them, but as taking care of yourself. "Your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces: 'I will be treated sacredly'."~ Jaiya John If the idea of announcing, even if just to yourself, "I will be treated sacredly" feels awkward, like a stretch, or an impossibility...of COURSE it does. We aren't taught to think this way about ourselves (and maybe our mothers didn't model it for us)...and in some cases we were actively discouraged from it! But it's the place to start. What does someone who treats themselves sacredly – with respect – do in situations they don't want to be in? Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to work with me privately instead?
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Karen C.L. Anderson
The Shame Whispereruthor of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Conversation with a client (with her permission): "Just the thought of setting a boundary with her brings up guilt, shame, responsibility...my mother has health issues and expects me to do everything for her so she can remain living on her own, when she should be in assisted living. She's had this sort of control over me my whole life." I asked her how she wants it to be. "I just want it to be friendly and kind and caring," she said. “I'd like my mom to give a shit about my life, have respect...
My husband Tim and our dog Scout are a therapy dog team. At the local hospital Scout's philosophy is: "Every human deserves a visit." You get a visit if you're handcuffed to a gurney in the ER...you get a visit if you're the police officer sitting next to the person handcuffed to the gurney. You get a visit if you've got cancer...you get a visit if you are the nurse administering the chemotherapy. You get a visit if you're the person in the bed dying...you get a visit if you're the family...
[AITA = Am I The Asshole, which, as far as I can tell, had its genesis on Reddit in 2013 and became a place for people to post about their real-world interpersonal conflicts and receive advice and judgement from fellow redditors. Did you know that advice columns have been around since 1690?] A reporter sent out a query asking for input on this question and I wanted to share my response with you because most of us are walking around hoping that we're not the asshole. And what if there was a...