Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
anatomy of a boundary-setting conversation
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Scene: family holiday gathering Them: [insert the thing they say every time, which you really wish they wouldn't say] You: [queue anger, regret, resentment, guilt, shame, self-recrimination] ~~~ Here's how it's going to go down instead: They get to say what they want (no matter how much you wish they wouldn't). You get to make a request: I’d prefer not to talk about that. [notice what comes up when you think about saying that...imagine the many tones of voice with which you could say it] They get to decide if they want to honor your request. You get to decide what you will do if they don’t. Maybe you change the subject. Maybe you leave the conversation. Maybe you withdraw your energy and attention from them. Whatever it is you decide to do, think of it not as punishing them, but as taking care of yourself. "Your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces: 'I will be treated sacredly'."~ Jaiya John If the idea of announcing, even if just to yourself, "I will be treated sacredly" feels awkward, like a stretch, or an impossibility...of COURSE it does. We aren't taught to think this way about ourselves (and maybe our mothers didn't model it for us)...and in some cases we were actively discouraged from it! But it's the place to start. What does someone who treats themselves sacredly – with respect – do in situations they don't want to be in? Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to work with me privately instead?
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
In yesterday's Love Note (how to care for a narcissistic family member without losing yourself) I wasn't clear about a nuanced subject and inelegantly missed a point. I wrote: If being consistent and upholding our boundaries isn't respected, we feel forced to do something (go no contact) that reflects our deep lack of self-respect: I'm not worth having my boundaries respected. It made sense in my head in the moment, but when I read it later I realized YIKES! That is NOT what I meant. SO!...
How To Care For A Narcissistic Family Member Without Losing Yourself (from AARP) When it comes to setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic tendencies, "consistency matters more than persuasion." And that can be frustrating. We want our boundaries to be a "set it and forget it" process. We want her to hear it the first time and comply. And when she doesn't, we get mad at her for not respecting our boundaries...for "making us" repeat ourselves over and over and over again. This next...
I still don't know what I was looking forAnd my time was running wildA million dead-end streetsEvery time I thought I'd got it madeIt seemed the taste was not so sweetSo I turned myself to face me David Bowie ~ Changes I used to chase change. BIG, SIGNIFICANT, OBVIOUS CHANGE. The faster the better. So I could point to it and say, "See? I've learned. I've changed. I've improved. Now I am worthy." You too? Hello survival response. Hello action borne of shame. More recently though, it's the...