Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
anatomy of a boundary-setting conversation
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Scene: family holiday gathering Them: [insert the thing they say every time, which you really wish they wouldn't say] You: [queue anger, regret, resentment, guilt, shame, self-recrimination] ~~~ Here's how it's going to go down instead: They get to say what they want (no matter how much you wish they wouldn't). You get to make a request: I’d prefer not to talk about that. [notice what comes up when you think about saying that...imagine the many tones of voice with which you could say it] They get to decide if they want to honor your request. You get to decide what you will do if they don’t. Maybe you change the subject. Maybe you leave the conversation. Maybe you withdraw your energy and attention from them. Whatever it is you decide to do, think of it not as punishing them, but as taking care of yourself. "Your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces: 'I will be treated sacredly'."~ Jaiya John If the idea of announcing, even if just to yourself, "I will be treated sacredly" feels awkward, like a stretch, or an impossibility...of COURSE it does. We aren't taught to think this way about ourselves (and maybe our mothers didn't model it for us)...and in some cases we were actively discouraged from it! But it's the place to start. What does someone who treats themselves sacredly – with respect – do in situations they don't want to be in? Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to work with me privately instead?
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
[Pre-S: THANK YOU to all who answered this survey. It's still available if you'd like to share your thoughts and be entered to win a complimentary 90-minute session with me] Question from a reader: I grew up with a lot of stigma around medication. My mom misused and abused prescription (not her rx) drugs. I'm exploring medicines now, and it's hard for me to untangle her poor choices (using drugs for numbing) versus my actual diagnosed need to treat a mental illness. What comes up is, am I a...
Why haven't you joined the Shame School Community? I created a survey (which you can take anonymously) and because I want a lot of responses, I am offering a chance to win a free 90-minute "no strings" coaching call. Click here to share your thoughts. Much, much love, Karen
Shame makes you think you're the only one. I know this. And yet, there I was at an event the other day, feeling isolated and alone with what felt like a shameful secret (a continuation of what I wrote about last week. When I shared what I was grappling with, actually said it out loud, someone said, "me too...half the women here are in that same position." Oh. I am not the only one who thinks I am the only one. You are not the only one who thinks you're the only one. Even when it feels like...