Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
anatomy of a boundary-setting conversation
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Scene: family holiday gathering Them: [insert the thing they say every time, which you really wish they wouldn't say] You: [queue anger, regret, resentment, guilt, shame, self-recrimination] ~~~ Here's how it's going to go down instead: They get to say what they want (no matter how much you wish they wouldn't). You get to make a request: I’d prefer not to talk about that. [notice what comes up when you think about saying that...imagine the many tones of voice with which you could say it] They get to decide if they want to honor your request. You get to decide what you will do if they don’t. Maybe you change the subject. Maybe you leave the conversation. Maybe you withdraw your energy and attention from them. Whatever it is you decide to do, think of it not as punishing them, but as taking care of yourself. "Your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces: 'I will be treated sacredly'."~ Jaiya John If the idea of announcing, even if just to yourself, "I will be treated sacredly" feels awkward, like a stretch, or an impossibility...of COURSE it does. We aren't taught to think this way about ourselves (and maybe our mothers didn't model it for us)...and in some cases we were actively discouraged from it! But it's the place to start. What does someone who treats themselves sacredly – with respect – do in situations they don't want to be in? Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to work with me privately instead?
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
I got a note from a former client who wanted to share that she no longer experiences guilt when she sets boundaries with her mother. She said it's because she's no longer afraid of guilt. She fully expects to feel it, but instead of being afraid of it, she has an attitude of "bring it on!" She said it's because I once suggested, if she had a choice between guilt and regret, to see what it would be like to choose guilt. So she kept choosing guilt and eventually realized it was a nothing...
Like many malls across the U.S., our local mall closed. Today. A few stores hung on the very end but the vast majority have been gone for well over a year. The good news is that the property was sold to a company that will be using it for engineering and office space. This past winter (which was particularly cold and snowy here in Southeastern Connecticut) mall management opened the doors to anyone who wanted to walk their dogs, so Tim and I took Scout there a few times. There's also a play...
If you were raised by a mother with narcissistic tendencies you don't want to miss a free event created by Pi Venus Winslow: Trusting After Trauma, Redefining Life After Narcissistic Abuse. Pi invited me, along with 15 others in the field, to share our expertise on how to trust after that kind of trauma. I will be sharing the ins and outs of creating Intentional Identity, which is foundational for being able to trust yourself more. If you notice yourself not fully trusting people you want to...