Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
anatomy of a boundary-setting conversation
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Scene: family holiday gathering Them: [insert the thing they say every time, which you really wish they wouldn't say] You: [queue anger, regret, resentment, guilt, shame, self-recrimination] ~~~ Here's how it's going to go down instead: They get to say what they want (no matter how much you wish they wouldn't). You get to make a request: I’d prefer not to talk about that. [notice what comes up when you think about saying that...imagine the many tones of voice with which you could say it] They get to decide if they want to honor your request. You get to decide what you will do if they don’t. Maybe you change the subject. Maybe you leave the conversation. Maybe you withdraw your energy and attention from them. Whatever it is you decide to do, think of it not as punishing them, but as taking care of yourself. "Your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces: 'I will be treated sacredly'."~ Jaiya John If the idea of announcing, even if just to yourself, "I will be treated sacredly" feels awkward, like a stretch, or an impossibility...of COURSE it does. We aren't taught to think this way about ourselves (and maybe our mothers didn't model it for us)...and in some cases we were actively discouraged from it! But it's the place to start. What does someone who treats themselves sacredly – with respect – do in situations they don't want to be in? Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to work with me privately instead?
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Rejecting shame is a radical act. It is guaranteed to rock your family's boat. To choose differently than what has been done for generations. To not do what was done just because they did it. When you make this choice you're shifting and changing generations of identity and belief. You're the one on the leading edge. And yet. The need to belong is primal. Choosing differently might rend the connection. It's risky. There's uncertainty. Your DNA informs who you are and connects you to your...
[Taking a moment to welcome you, if you're new here. Today's Love Note is on the longer side, it's about a 6-minute read] ~~~ TL;DR: The experience of shame makes us feel unsafe and feeling unsafe tends to also feel shameful. This isn't a personal failing, it's partly evolution/adaptation and partly cultural. Understanding the nature of shame and knowing how to navigate it can help us feel safer, individually and collectively. ~~~ Several years ago I heard part of an interview with Saeed...
Question from a reader: “I am estranged from my mother and now my adult daughter is thisclose to estranging herself from me. Can you help me so my daughter will feel loved by me? So I don’t repeat the patterns?” I applaud you for your awareness, the work you’ve already done (because it’s hard!), for the example you are setting, and for your willingness to do more. Your intentions are truly beautiful. Of COURSE you want the very best for her. OF COURSE you want to be part of her life. OF...