Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
your mother probably taught you that lying is wrong...
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Your mother probably taught you that lying is wrong... ...so why is it so hard to have a honest connection with her? Why can you just tell her the truth about what's okay and what's not okay? What you are willing and not willing to do in the relationship? Rather than people-pleasing her? If you currently people-please her, it's not because you're weak and pathetic. It's not a "you" problem. It's because you were taught, like most of us, that being pleasing is safer than being honest. Her displeasure feels like a threat (and it has since you were a little girl). Think about a time you tried to set a boundary with her. Maybe there was a blast of calls and texts and "how dare you's." Maybe there was silence. Maybe there were passive-aggressive comments on Facebook. Maybe your father, a sibling, or a friend of hers told you how devastated she is. You held your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Your brain cycled through all the things your mother might think and/or say about you: you're a bad person; you don't care; you're a selfish, spoiled brat; you're tearing the family apart, you're hurting me. So you gave in in order to prove that you're not those things. Because for sure your mother has a list of things she thinks you need to be and do in order to for her to be happy – a daughter she approves of. And you've done those things. But you really don't want to any more. You can continue to do them and you can continue to be resentful. You can keep trying to please her...or trying to avoid her at all costs. Explaining. Defending. Proving. Or you can establish some healthy boundaries, find your way back to yourself and to your truth, and have a honest connection with yourself, even if you can't fully have that with her (which isn't your fault or your responsibility). Because it has gotten to the point where you can no longer do this to yourself. You no longer want to try and live up to the stories your mother has about you in her head (or maybe, like me, it's about no longer staying in the "less-than" position your mother put you in). THIS is where the peace and relief you crave lies. The honest relationship you are cultivating with yourself has to be more important that the dishonest* relationship you have with your mother. (*this doesn't mean you're a dishonest person. It means you have a nervous system that perceives your It might be one of the hardest things you ever do. "Rule breaking fear" is real and it takes time to make these kinds of choices and to feel safe doing so. When I finally got honest with myself (and my mother), she didn't like it. She rejected me and didn't want to talk to me (this after a several-year estrangement that she wanted me to "fix") because I wasn't the compliant daughter I was before. Guess what? I didn't die. I finally stopped rejecting myself and not only didn't I die, I liberated myself and It was exhilarating. I am no longer spending my precious time and energy trying to figure out how to please her. No more people-pleasing. No more toothless anger. I set clear, kind boundaries with love and respect for myself (rather than resentment for her). I can help you get started. For the month of February am offering 1:1 coaching sessions (90 minutes!) for the discounted price of $197 (regularly $250). Click here to grab yours. Together we will figure out what boundaries you want to have, how to set them, communicate them, and maintain them. You will learn how to create safety in your body so you have your own back when she flips out or gives you the silent treatment. You'll walk away with clarity, tools, and other helpful resources (including access to my online library of writing prompts, worksheets, and explainers), as well as a week of follow-up via email. Once you click the link, you’ll be directed to choose a date and time for our session, answer some questions, and pay $197. Give yourself 10 - 15 minutes to complete the questions…they are part of the process!) I will be there to high-five you all along the way. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Being intentional with the way you relate to yourself re-forms your understanding how you deserve to be treated. You can influence how you feel about who you are without controlling who you are. Connection is more powerful than control. It takes more creativity and time, but it is also deeper and lasts much longer. What would connection to (versus control of) yourself look like? Are you willing to be creative and take the time to connect to yourself? You do not need to be perfect. But you can...
Being chronically* resentful/offended/hurt by her behavior isn’t required for you to establish boundaries. Or limit contact. Or even to stop talking to her altogether. You can simply decide her behavior doesn’t work for you** *The key word here is “chronically.” Obviously, all feelings are valid and all feelings point us in the direction of our needs, preferences, desires, etc., so don’t demonize these emotions, but if you’re tired of feeling that way…just know you don’t have to feel that way...
It's been three weeks and two days since my double mastectomy (thank you for all the good wishes...I am doing great!). The TL;DR is that I had non-invasive DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) in my right breast. After a lumpectomy to remove it at the end of October (and a plan to have radiation and to take an estrogen blocker, which I really, really didn't to do), my right breast became so severely deformed that there was no real choice but to remove it. After a consultation with a breast cancer...