I am watching Ted Lasso for the third time.

The other night I watched the episode in which Sam Obisanya's restaurant is trashed, and his father Ola (for whom the restaurant is named) says:

"Don't fight back, fight forward."

It's an eloquent way of describing the difference between anger that is wielded intentionally from a place of self-respect and anger that is borne of shame.

It reminded me of something I call the fury-devastation-shame cycle.

Someone says or does something and within the course of a few seconds or minutes, you find yourself furious, then devastated, then experiencing shame.

I call it impotent rage. I've also heard it described as "toothless" anger.

There's a difference between the anger you feel when you're making someone's words or behavior mean you don't deserve respect (and if you do this, it's not because there's something wrong with you, it's because you learned it wasn't safe to do otherwise)...

...and the anger you feel when you are being treated disrespectfully AND you are grounded in dignity and self-respect.

The former tends to be explosive, volcanic, long-lasting. You stoke it and ruminate over it and ultimately feel powerless with it.

The latter tends to be fast and clean-burning. You know what to do with it. It's NO! Or STOP IT! Or, it's a turning away...a withdrawing of your energy from that person.

There is nothing wrong with withdrawing your energy. There's nothing wrong with wielding your anger when necessary...and considering what it's like to act from that fast, cleaning-burning anger.

Your anger is a part of you that loves you.

Grrrrr...

Much, much love,

Karen