She “breaches etiquette.”

She doesn’t keep the peace.

She doesn’t smile in the face of violence and abuse.

She doesn’t protect her abuser.

She doesn’t keep their secrets.

She doesn’t try and make everyone else comfortable.

She doesn’t reconcile, forgive, or speak in platitudes.

She lets his “concession call” go to voicemail.

She owes him nothing.

She owes her mother nothing.

I’m speaking of Dr. Amy Acton, Governor-elect of Ohio.

I’m speaking of me. And you.

~~~

Do you know what traumatic invalidation is?

It’s when your feelings, memories, experiences, or reactions are intensely, repeatedly, or chronically dismissed, ignored, minimized, or treated as unacceptable by others.

It can result in severe psychological distress, chronic self-doubt, a fractured sense of self-worth.

Internalized shame.

It’s a kind of death by a thousand cuts.

In one of the most despicable acts of traumatic invalidation I’ve ever witnessed, Amy Acton’s mother (Donna Arthur), from whom she has been estranged since 1978, chose to participate and appear in a heinous political television advertisement created by the man who ran against her, Vivek Ramaswamy.

In it, she said:

“Don’t vote for people who lie.”

“She is liar.”

“She has a serious problem and needs help.”

She was disputing her daughter’s account of childhood neglect and homelessness, as well as sexual abuse from the age of 9 to 12 at the hands of the man her mother married, Cledith Arthur, who had already been convicted of sexually abusing his own daughter.

From the moment I heard about that political ad I knew I’d be writing about it.

~~~

The day after the election and Acton’s win I learned that she let Ramaswamy's concession call go to voice mail.

She didn’t engage.

She didn’t give him an ounce of her time, attention, or energy.

She bucked “tradition.”

She decided not to play the fucking game.

All by letting a single call go to voicemail.

~~~

“Our most powerful institutions hide the hard truths about family abuse.” ~ Eamon Dolan in his book The Power of Parting: Finding Peace and Freedom Through Family Estrangement

"Abuse culture is the framework of violence that we live in. It permeates and colors every aspect of our world, culture, dynamics, institutions, language, and interactions. It dictates how we understand, speak about, and name abuse, harm, hurt, assault, violence, and trauma, or more accurately how we don’t." ~ Briana L. Urena-Ravelo

~~~

People wonder why there’s an estrangement “trend.”

[it is not a trend]

Those of us who are (or have been) estranged from our mothers can see the micro in the macro and vice versa.

In July my mother reached out to me after three years of silent treatment. She needed me because her husband was dying and she wanted to move closer to me so I could take care of her as she ages. She’s 86.

In my communications with her I asked her several times to tell me what her expectations of me would be. She never answered that question so I told her what I’d be willing to do and what I wouldn’t do. I was probably the clearest and most honest I’ve ever been with her.

I wasn’t telling her what she could and couldn’t do. I wasn’t telling her not to move. I wasn’t even telling her that I wouldn’t help.

As I said, I was simply clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay with me.

Her response?

"Have you gotten any counseling?"

Which had echos of the Ohio Governor-elect's mother: “She has a serious problem and needs help.“

I did not respond to her question.

Eventually, the whole thing fell through (she’s no longer moving) and I haven’t heard from her since.

In her book Educated, Tara Westover wrote:

“I shed my guilt (of cutting family ties) when I accepted my decision on its own terms, without endlessly prosecuting old grievances, without weighing his sins against mine. Without thinking of my father I learned to accept my decision for its own sake, because of me, not because of him, because I needed it, not because he deserved it. It was the only way I could love him.”

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” ~ C.S. Lewis

I share this because I want to love my mother...and do.

Free Daughters, by Leslé Honoré​

If you raise free daughters

They will be the keys that unlock your shackles

They will teach you how to live without ceilings

They will show you

That the space between

Dreams and reality

Is just a beautiful leap

If you raise free daughters

They will teach you to

unlearn

Unprogram

Unpack

Everything you know

About being a woman

About loving

About trusting

You will speak to yourself differently

So you can speak to her differently

You will love yourself differently

So she can love herself infinitely

If you raise free daughters

They will fly far and high

And you will hold your breath

Bite your tongue

Fight the urge to keep them close

If you raise free daughters

Your throat will be tight

As they take flight

Into the Milky Way

If your raise free daughters

They will correct you

And you will be humbled

Because they will be right

If you raise free daughters

They will grow into free women

And they will never understand

What it feels like

To make yourself smaller

To be loved

Dim your light

To be accepted

Be silent

To be safe

They will lead

And you will follow

Because if you raise free daughters

They will break generations long lies

That you are limited

Less than

Incapable

Unelectable

Unfit

They will never know a limitation

They will forge new paths

Trail Blazers

Fighters

Winners

Hope will not be a mustard seed

It will be a battle cry

A victory

They will breathe courage

And never leave a sister behind

If you raise free daughters

They will free you

And then free the world

Thank you for being free

Juliana Stratton, Deb Haaland,

Keisha Lance Bottoms, Gina Hinojosa,

Peggy Flanagan, Dr. Amy Acton

and Dr. Annie Andrews

​#LesléHonoréPoetry #BlueWave #MakeItBlue #FreeDaughters​