Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
when your mother wants you to say "yes"
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Your mother is not entitled to decide that her desire for a "yes" invalidates your right to say "no." She may have reasons that are completely valid and your answer can still be "no." And: She's allowed to be disappointed. She's allowed to think you're unreasonable. She's allowed to wish you had answered differently. She's even allowed to complain about you. Kindness isn’t kindness when she has already decided you’re required to provide it. Practicing this reminds me that sometimes another human being is going to tell me: No, that’s my space. No, I don’t want to. No, I’m staying home. No, I’m not available. No, I’m not explaining myself. No, that doesn’t work for me. Sometimes there won’t be a dramatic reason behind it. Sometimes the reason really is: because I don't want to. And somehow, despite everything humanity has survived…we're going to survive this too. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
“Well I guess I was just a TERRIBLE mother then.” Did she ever say that to you? And did you find yourself trying to comfort her? Emotionally immature mothers can't see the both/and: I love my child AND I hurt my child. Instead of getting curious about your experience, she collapses into shame, defensiveness, excuses, and/or self-pity. And you end up saying: “No, Mom, you weren’t terrible…” thus taking care of her feelings again. You don’t need your mother to declare herself...
If your mother isn't aware that she's carrying shame, she won't be emotionally safe. You'll know this if you're avoiding her because you're afraid of her reaction if you bring up certain subjects. It's a sign that her shame overrides her ability to empathize with you. This is because shame (especially when it's internalized and she's unaware of it) makes it difficult, if not impossible, to regulate herself to be present with you. She can't tap into feelings of care and respect. You will be...
[this is a really long one] Have you read the book Daisy Jones & The Six? Or seen the 10-episode miniseries? It's about a fictional rock band from the 1970s. I read the book recently and then watched the series. I finished it yesterday. There's a scene in the final episode where Daisy (one of the lead singers)... ...who's mother was neglectful and emotionally abusive (there's a brief-but-impactful scene early in the series where her mother hisses angrily at little Daisy and says: “no one...