[Pre-S: If you're considering joining the next round of Shame School (starting March 18) the last day to register is Friday, February 28. Click here to do that.]

Question from a reader:

“I realized recently that I have carried around so much anger at my mother that it turned into revenge. I wanted revenge for what she did to me as a child. She was so critical and judgmental. So controlling and verbally abusive and I was terrified of her. I became angry and full of hate, I wanted revenge for what she did to me. I was so focused on her I never saw the level of anger growing in me. I wanted to hurt her the way she hurt me. But, I never saw what carrying so much anger was doing to me. My health and life are a mess. I haven’t spoken to her in four years. Probably not a bad thing for either of us, as I couldn’t see what I was doing. I would love to hear your thoughts and figured there might be others who could benefit, as well.”

Dear Adult Daughter...

I remember my mother telling me that she wanted to make her mother suffer.

I remember her telling me that she wanted to write to the guy who wrote a flattering article about her father in the New York Times and tell him the real story.

I remember her saying she didn't think she could take hearing people say nice things about her father at his funeral (so she didn't go).

She didn't come to see her mother before she died, either. Nor did she want to be part of the small family gathering we had afterwards.

I remember thinking that I was better than her...somehow more evolved.

And yet, one day there I was wishing I could tie her to chair, place duct tape over her mouth, and scream and snarl at her and tell her all the ways she hurt me.

And there I was another day hurling rocks into Long Island Sound wishing I could hurl them at her instead.

I remember how hurt and angry I was when she told me, in an email at the end of 2010, that she was disappointed in the person I had become (at a time when I was happier and more content than I'd ever been) and so I cut her out of my life for good.

And then a few days later my beloved father died unexpectedly.

I remember thinking, "the wrong parent died."

I grieved. I howled. I sobbed uncontrollably. For days and weeks and months. No, not all the time. I also went about my life and did all the normal things too.

When a wave hit, I would ride it.

Did the grief I felt and processed for the loss of my father help me process the long-standing simmering and often suppressed anger I felt in regards to my mother?

Was that the gift of his death?

~~~

You are far, far, far from alone.

Anger, wanting revenge, wanting her to hurt or to make her suffer...is normal when you've experienced what you've experienced.

It makes sense.

There are generations of us who, when we were infants and toddlers, "chose" attachment over authenticity (for good reason) and it became a pattern.

We didn't consciously choose it, our bodies did. Our brilliant, intelligent bodies chose this for us.

Authenticity is what allows us to feel and express healthy anger in the moment and let it go. It's our fierce NO! But for many of us, authenticity wasn't safe.

There is no intellectual exercise to be done here. There's no thought work or mindset tool that will fix it, because you are not broken...there is nothing wrong with you. Your body did exactly as it needed to do in order to protect you.

All that's left now is to validate your experiences...to let yourself ride the waves of grief, anger, hate, and sorrow without shaming yourself.

It's the shame we layer on top that makes us sick.

Much, much love,

Karen

"You shall be saved in an ocean of tears." ~ child development expert and psychologist Gordon Neufeld