Question from a reader:
​
​My mother and I never had boundaries. I let her control my life up until the day I got sober 10 years ago. Being in recovery, I understand how difficult it is for her to accept the change in me. I also understand that the way she and other family members react to me is on them. Over the years I've helped my mother with health issues. After spending a week with her a month ago I told my brothers I can’t do it any more. For the most part the visit went well. On the last day she brought up a subject I had told her I didn't want to talk about: a man I had dated but broke up with. She said, “I know you don't want to talk about this, but I saw a picture of [name] on FB with another woman." I lost it and yelled and told her know how much it hurt me that she would bring this up. It felt intentional; like she was out to hurt me. We have not talked since. My mother is 87 years old and in poor health, but sound mind. I want to do the right thing, but I am not sure what that is at this point. Any insight would be appreciated.​
​
Dear Adult Daughter...

There are two separate issues.
​
​#1 How do you want to feel about her bringing up a topic you said you didn't want to discuss?

You made a request that she ignored. Of course you lost it and yelled and told her how much it hurt you.

When we tell someone we don't want to talk about something and they talk about it anyway, it can ping shame in us, not because we deserve to experience shame but because we have a shame-based story about ourselves that gets activated when our requests aren't respected.

"What's wrong with me that my own mother wants to hurt me/won't respect my requests?"

Uncover that shame-based story and unshame it. Not for her sake. Not so you're "calm" and unreactive.

For you.
​
​#2 Doing the "right" thing

There is no "right" thing.

There's what you want to do and what you don't want to do.

There's what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do.

Shame will always tell you you're bad and wrong.

Freedom (which is sometimes uncomfortable, especially in the beginning) isn't about being good or bad; it's about being whole.

Much, much love,
Karen

In the Shame School Community, we make powerful, unshamed choices and own them. Even unpopular ones. Especially the ones you are afraid you will be judged for making. Because yes, it's about your difficult mother, but it's also about your creativity and the blocks you have around self expression, boundary-setting, and owning what you say you want.

To step outside the "norm" of womanhood can feel like a massive risk. To choose to no longer have contact with your mother. To choose not to be a mother yourself. To be a woman who chooses to break with culture/tradition/patriarchy and to redefine for yourself what a "good" woman is...and to STAND in that truth. To understand that, yes you are taking a risk and also paving the way.

​
​
​