Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
I goofed and didn't provide context/nuance
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In yesterday's Love Note (how to care for a narcissistic family member without losing yourself) I wasn't clear about a nuanced subject and inelegantly missed a point. I wrote: If being consistent and upholding our boundaries isn't respected, we feel forced to do something (go no contact) that reflects our deep lack of self-respect: I'm not worth having my boundaries respected. It made sense in my head in the moment, but when I read it later I realized YIKES! That is NOT what I meant. SO! Going no (or low) contact can absolutely come from a place of self-respect. The more self-respect we have, the less willing we are to tolerate harmful or abusive behavior. Here's the nuanced part. There's a difference between: "I keep setting boundaries and she keeps crossing them and I'm pissed and frustrated because I have to keep telling her" (which might, but not always, be coming from a place of shame/lack of self-respect and the belief that maybe you don't deserve to have boundaries)... and "No one treats me that way and my actions and behavior reflect that" (which comes from a place of grounded self-respect and the belief that you are worth the consistency it takes to set boundaries with someone who doesn't know how, or can't, or won't respect them). When we lack self respect (through no fault of our own), and our mothers continually cross the boundaries we try to establish, it reinforces the belief that we don't deserve having our boundaries respected, and therefore don't deserve respect. Ouch. Cue the fury/devastation/shame cycle. We can step out of that cycle by focusing on and being consistent with our behavior, our values, and our identity ("no one treats me that way") rather than on her behavior, which we will never be able to control, and the meaning we assign it ("if she doesn't respect my boundaries I am not worthy of respect"). Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
How To Care For A Narcissistic Family Member Without Losing Yourself (from AARP) When it comes to setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic tendencies, "consistency matters more than persuasion." And that can be frustrating. We want our boundaries to be a "set it and forget it" process. We want her to hear it the first time and comply. And when she doesn't, we get mad at her for not respecting our boundaries...for "making us" repeat ourselves over and over and over again. This next...
I still don't know what I was looking forAnd my time was running wildA million dead-end streetsEvery time I thought I'd got it madeIt seemed the taste was not so sweetSo I turned myself to face me David Bowie ~ Changes I used to chase change. BIG, SIGNIFICANT, OBVIOUS CHANGE. The faster the better. So I could point to it and say, "See? I've learned. I've changed. I've improved. Now I am worthy." You too? Hello survival response. Hello action borne of shame. More recently though, it's the...
Being human and all, we have this tendency to make meaning of Every. Single. Thing. What other people do. What other people say. What we say to ourselves. [about ourselves] The sensations we feel in our bodies. This is normal and it's what helps us survive. We feel hunger, we eat. We feel tired, we sleep. We sense danger, we protect. Our bodies and brains are so highly evolved. And we've been conditioned to NOT pay attention to... or honor... or trust... those sensations. We've been...