Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
how to care for a narcissistic family member without losing yourself
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How To Care For A Narcissistic Family Member Without Losing Yourself (from AARP) When it comes to setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic tendencies, "consistency matters more than persuasion." And that can be frustrating. We want our boundaries to be a "set it and forget it" process. We want her to hear it the first time and comply. And when she doesn't, we get mad at her for not respecting our boundaries...for "making us" repeat ourselves over and over and over again. This next part is a big OUCH: the reason we're angry (furious even) is because we don't respect ourselves. Our mothers' unwillingness to respect our boundaries is a mirror that reflects our lack of self-respect back to us. And deep down inside we're ashamed of that. Damn it! If being consistent and upholding our boundaries isn't respected, we feel forced to do something (go no contact) that reflects our deep lack of self-respect: I'm not worth having my boundaries respected. This is what I call the fury/devastation/shame cycle. Here's how to interrupt it: "Of course I don't respect myself. How could I when I was – implicitly and explicitly – taught not to. I was shown, over and over again, that what I want and what I don't want doesn't matter. So I abandoned myself before I even found myself because that was the only way to stay safe in my family." Bottom line: you are allowed to be clear and direct and in charge of what happens to – and around – you. Much, much love, Karen Curious about the Shame School Community or working together 1:1?
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
In yesterday's Love Note (how to care for a narcissistic family member without losing yourself) I wasn't clear about a nuanced subject and inelegantly missed a point. I wrote: If being consistent and upholding our boundaries isn't respected, we feel forced to do something (go no contact) that reflects our deep lack of self-respect: I'm not worth having my boundaries respected. It made sense in my head in the moment, but when I read it later I realized YIKES! That is NOT what I meant. SO!...
I still don't know what I was looking forAnd my time was running wildA million dead-end streetsEvery time I thought I'd got it madeIt seemed the taste was not so sweetSo I turned myself to face me David Bowie ~ Changes I used to chase change. BIG, SIGNIFICANT, OBVIOUS CHANGE. The faster the better. So I could point to it and say, "See? I've learned. I've changed. I've improved. Now I am worthy." You too? Hello survival response. Hello action borne of shame. More recently though, it's the...
Being human and all, we have this tendency to make meaning of Every. Single. Thing. What other people do. What other people say. What we say to ourselves. [about ourselves] The sensations we feel in our bodies. This is normal and it's what helps us survive. We feel hunger, we eat. We feel tired, we sleep. We sense danger, we protect. Our bodies and brains are so highly evolved. And we've been conditioned to NOT pay attention to... or honor... or trust... those sensations. We've been...