We tend to fear shame and to shame fear.

Most (if not all) familiar conflict and estrangement is the result of feeling chronically unsafe and/or an inability or unwillingness to accept that someone might feel chronically unsafe around us.

Full. Stop.

"Humans, as social mammals, are on an enduring lifelong quest to feel safe." ~ Stephen Porges Polyvagal Theory: A Science of Safety​

Whether it's logical or makes sense to you or them doesn't matter.

I can tell you this from personal experience: if someone you care about doesn’t feel safe in your presence (whether it makes sense to you or not) it will challenge your need to believe in your inherent goodness.*

~~~

*Eddie Glaude – academic, author, and the James S. McDonnell Distinguished University Professor at Princeton University – speaks to the American propensity to not acknowledge our "sins and evils" in order to protect our innocence and to maintain our belief in our inherent goodness. He says the U.S. isn't unique in its "sins and evils" but rather in its refusal to acknowledge them.

We see the same thing in our families.

~~~

We avoid shame at all costs because it feels (underneath any bluster) unsafe at best and life-and-death dangerous at worst.

The impulse to protect our innocence and maintain our belief in our inherent goodness (in order to avoid shame) gets in the way of being curious (and whole). It gets in the way of having authentic, comfortable relationships where sometimes we mess up and then we work it out.

As does our conditioning around the idea that seeking safety somehow makes us weak and pathetic.

That protective impulse is based on a shame-infused either/or identity:

Either I am good or I am bad. [spoiler alert, you are both]

When we live in that either/or we're never free. Being good means we're at risk of being bad. And being bad means we're at risk of being cast out of society to die in the wilderness.

The unshamed, intentional identity recognizes:

Sometimes I do or say shitty things that affect people I care about and I no longer unconsciously make that mean I am a bad person, so I am no longer defensive and trying to protect myself from experiencing shame. AND? I know how to make a repair.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: ​wanting to be safe isn’t shameful​.

Living in a state of chronic stress because you feel unsafe does not make you stronger, it makes you sick.

Unshaming the shame-based identities you have within you doesn't mean you become "the opposite" of them. You don't shed them. Eradicate them. Slay them. You integrate them.

You become whole.

You are no longer good or bad or happy or unhappy. You are all of it. You accommodate it all.

It reminds me of something I wrote last year about the disconnect between some mothers and adult daughters. You want "honest conflict" and she wants "dishonest harmony."

The former involves being open and addressing issues with compassion, allowing for growth and connection. The latter is a superficial peace created by suppressing feelings and avoiding conversation.

Honest conflict can ping internalized shame. It's what will have us in defense-mode saying "I guess I am just a horrible, terrible person then" rather than "ooof...yeah, that wasn't one of my finer moments."

Dishonest harmony protects us from experiencing shame.

It can be hard to accept that avoiding the discomfort of shame is seemingly more important to her than the relationship she could have with you. Having spent portions of my life unable to handle "honest conflict" in certain relationships precisely because of the internalized shame I carry, I know how scary it can be.

And this is exactly why I created Shame School.

I am about to open registration for the fourth round so make sure you're on the wait list!​

Much, much love,

Karen

P.S. Here are some helpful writing prompts:

Do I feel safe or unsafe? How do I know?

What is the specific threat my body perceives?

Is there anything underneath that?

What do I need in order to feel safer?

Can I meet that need myself?

If I can't meet that need myself, who can help me?

"The question to ask is not: What do I have to remove (fix, change, improve, get rid of) but rather what do I have to love in myself in order to open up the door?" ~ Armand Bytton

"When I think of fearlessness I actually think what we need to learn is how to be afraid, how to sit and accommodate that feeling and not run from it and also not be driven by it, because when we're driven by it will do anything to avoid it. We will do things are are self-destructive or destructive to others, we will surrender good judgment and if we can learn to sit quietly with our fear, surround it with awareness and love, we will discover a whole new meaning of fearlessness." ~ Sharon Salzberg