Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
this is when you want access to safe anger
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[Pre-S: Boundaries Workshop April 30 1 p.m. - 3 p.m. Eastern $40] Some mothers are sometimes cruel, bullying, and manipulative (sometimes more than sometimes). There's just no other way to say it. There's no justification for it, either. I mean, sure, you can tell yourself she doesn't mean it or that it's her mental illness or the trauma that lives in her body or or or. It's still not justified. Because you matter. Your dignity matters. More than anything. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. And if there was ever anything to rise up in anger and protect, it's your dignity. This is when you want access to safe anger. It's being able to act on the impulse in a way that doesn't harm* you or anyone else (unless your life is truly on the line). [*your mother not liking it doesn't mean she's harmed] It is righteous and protective and healthy. It's in response to something happening in the present moment. It stands up for your contentment, your joy, your energy, your aliveness. It's a signal that a boundary has been crossed. It's not covering for another emotion like fear, sadness, or shame. It's not resentment or bitterness that comes from continuing to do things you don't want to because you're afraid. It is assertiveness. Access to heartfelt and powerful intensity and clarity. It acting in the moment and then it's done. It is wielded with intention and precision. Much, much love, Karen Ways to work with me: |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Your mother might think you owe her a version of yourself that distracts her from her responsibility to face her own...stuff. You do not owe her that. Much, much love, Karen P.S. If you still feel like you owe her, and you want to stop feeling that way, join the Shame School Community or work with me 1:1 (when you purchase a six [or more]-session package you also get Shame School). In the Shame School Community we focus on three things: safety, intentional identity, and healthy boundaries....
I have lived my life with an anxious, terrified, shameful whisper in my brain: I am bad and no one likes me. There's no coming back from how bad I am. I can't remember a time it wasn't there. I have also lived my life being naturally engaged, sensitive, creative, generous, courageous, goofy, curious, and intense. I can't remember a time when I wasn't one or more of those things. If you have a similar dichotomy, know this: The things you hate about yourself and the things you love about...
"My mother doesn't understand my boundaries! She doesn't get it when I ask her not to post photos of my kids on social media. She says it's not hurting anything and wants to know why it bothers me. I never know what to say because then I start to question whether I am just trying to punish her. I am so frustrated!" She understands your request, but she rejects your authority to make it. So it makes all the sense in the world that you're frustrated. You're clear about your request. You know...