Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
this is when you want access to safe anger
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[Pre-S: Boundaries Workshop April 30 1 p.m. - 3 p.m. Eastern $40] Some mothers are sometimes cruel, bullying, and manipulative (sometimes more than sometimes). There's just no other way to say it. There's no justification for it, either. I mean, sure, you can tell yourself she doesn't mean it or that it's her mental illness or the trauma that lives in her body or or or. It's still not justified. Because you matter. Your dignity matters. More than anything. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. And if there was ever anything to rise up in anger and protect, it's your dignity. This is when you want access to safe anger. It's being able to act on the impulse in a way that doesn't harm* you or anyone else (unless your life is truly on the line). [*your mother not liking it doesn't mean she's harmed] It is righteous and protective and healthy. It's in response to something happening in the present moment. It stands up for your contentment, your joy, your energy, your aliveness. It's a signal that a boundary has been crossed. It's not covering for another emotion like fear, sadness, or shame. It's not resentment or bitterness that comes from continuing to do things you don't want to because you're afraid. It is assertiveness. Access to heartfelt and powerful intensity and clarity. It acting in the moment and then it's done. It is wielded with intention and precision. Much, much love, Karen Ways to work with me: |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
If you're here, it's probably because you have a mother who exhibits some combination of narcissism, abuse, cruelty, codependence, emotional enmeshment, lack of boundaries, substance abuse, and/or mental health issues. You want strategies for dealing with her (check out this upcoming boundaries workshop)...and to heal from being raised by her (go deeper in the Shame School Community). But it's not lost on you that you, your mother, and her mother, and me, my mother, and her mother – all the...
If you're having a hard time maintaining boundaries with your mother (or someone else), it might be due to a dynamic neither of you are aware of: She made you responsible for her emotional experience and you agreed that it's your job. Your boundary makes her uncomfortable. Her discomfort with your boundary makes you uncomfortable. And because she's your mother, her discomfort "wins." And your boundary goes POOF! Once you see the dynamic, it's relatively simple to correct. The harder part is...
"I've been breaking my own heart my whole life," she said, "because I keep expecting my narcissistic mother to care about me. How stupid am I?" "You haven't been breaking your own heart," I replied. "She broke your heart and then taught you to take over (which is the insidious nature of internalized shame).Despite how it feels, it is not a "you" problem and it never was. In fact, from your body's perspective, this was infinitely wise, and definitely not stupid." ~~~ If you're grieving this...