Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
going beyond "why"
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If you're here, it's probably because you have a mother who exhibits some combination of narcissism, abuse, cruelty, codependence, emotional enmeshment, lack of boundaries, substance abuse, and/or mental health issues. You want strategies for dealing with her (check out this upcoming boundaries workshop)...and to heal from being raised by her (go deeper in the Shame School Community). But it's not lost on you that you, your mother, and her mother, and me, my mother, and her mother – all the mothers – were born into and raised in a system called patriarchy (which is rife with white narcissism [I prefer that to "supremacy"], racism, misogyny, and so on). Whether they/we realize it or not, that system lives within all of us. It's harmful. Unsafe. Makes us sick. I mean, the latest? The 62 million visits (per month!) to a website built by men to teach other men how to drug and rape the women in their lives so they can record and share it? The Epstein files. I don't have to say more. I know you know. That shit has taken it's toll. ~~~ When a flower doesn't bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower. ~ Alexander Den Heijer ~~~ Understanding why our mothers are the way they are (and why we are the way we are) is simple and complicated at the same time. In her YouTube video The Patriarchal Bargain: Why Women Stay Loyal Britt Hartley does an excellent job unpacking it all. But as one of my very best friends Christie Inge says: "...humans look for reasons when we are suffering. We think having a 'good' explanation makes everything better. Our mind convinces us that knowing why will liberate us from our humanity." At the end of the day we (and our mothers) – patriarchy or not – are humans having a human experience. Our mothers suffered. They projected their suffering onto us. And? Our mothers' inability to bloom, while certainly the result of patriarchal conditioning, is not our responsibility. But we can do our part to fix the environment...so we and our daughters can bloom. Much, much love, Karen Ways to work with me: |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
If you're having a hard time maintaining boundaries with your mother (or someone else), it might be due to a dynamic neither of you are aware of: She made you responsible for her emotional experience and you agreed that it's your job. Your boundary makes her uncomfortable. Her discomfort with your boundary makes you uncomfortable. And because she's your mother, her discomfort "wins." And your boundary goes POOF! Once you see the dynamic, it's relatively simple to correct. The harder part is...
"I've been breaking my own heart my whole life," she said, "because I keep expecting my narcissistic mother to care about me. How stupid am I?" "You haven't been breaking your own heart," I replied. "She broke your heart and then taught you to take over (which is the insidious nature of internalized shame).Despite how it feels, it is not a "you" problem and it never was. In fact, from your body's perspective, this was infinitely wise, and definitely not stupid." ~~~ If you're grieving this...
Trusting After Trauma - Redefining Relationships After Parental Narcissistic Abuse starts tomorrow! Here’s how to get the most out of this free event: Check your email daily or bookmark the speaker schedule to access the interviews. These sessions are available for 24 hours, so set time aside each day to participate. On Friday, there will be a full 24-hour REPLAY if you miss any sessions. You can always upgrade to the All-Access Pass and get all the interviews and free gifts. Check out these...