Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
going beyond "why"
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If you're here, it's probably because you have a mother who exhibits some combination of narcissism, abuse, cruelty, codependence, emotional enmeshment, lack of boundaries, substance abuse, and/or mental health issues. You want strategies for dealing with her (check out this upcoming boundaries workshop)...and to heal from being raised by her (go deeper in the Shame School Community). But it's not lost on you that you, your mother, and her mother, and me, my mother, and her mother – all the mothers – were born into and raised in a system called patriarchy (which is rife with white narcissism [I prefer that to "supremacy"], racism, misogyny, and so on). Whether they/we realize it or not, that system lives within all of us. It's harmful. Unsafe. Makes us sick. I mean, the latest? The 62 million visits (per month!) to a website built by men to teach other men how to drug and rape the women in their lives so they can record and share it? The Epstein files. I don't have to say more. I know you know. That shit has taken it's toll. ~~~ When a flower doesn't bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower. ~ Alexander Den Heijer ~~~ Understanding why our mothers are the way they are (and why we are the way we are) is simple and complicated at the same time. In her YouTube video The Patriarchal Bargain: Why Women Stay Loyal Britt Hartley does an excellent job unpacking it all. But as one of my very best friends Christie Inge says: "...humans look for reasons when we are suffering. We think having a 'good' explanation makes everything better. Our mind convinces us that knowing why will liberate us from our humanity." At the end of the day we (and our mothers) – patriarchy or not – are humans having a human experience. Our mothers suffered. They projected their suffering onto us. And? Our mothers' inability to bloom, while certainly the result of patriarchal conditioning, is not our responsibility. But we can do our part to fix the environment...so we and our daughters can bloom. Much, much love, Karen Ways to work with me: |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Your mother might think you owe her a version of yourself that distracts her from her responsibility to face her own...stuff. You do not owe her that. Much, much love, Karen P.S. If you still feel like you owe her, and you want to stop feeling that way, join the Shame School Community or work with me 1:1 (when you purchase a six [or more]-session package you also get Shame School). In the Shame School Community we focus on three things: safety, intentional identity, and healthy boundaries....
I have lived my life with an anxious, terrified, shameful whisper in my brain: I am bad and no one likes me. There's no coming back from how bad I am. I can't remember a time it wasn't there. I have also lived my life being naturally engaged, sensitive, creative, generous, courageous, goofy, curious, and intense. I can't remember a time when I wasn't one or more of those things. If you have a similar dichotomy, know this: The things you hate about yourself and the things you love about...
"My mother doesn't understand my boundaries! She doesn't get it when I ask her not to post photos of my kids on social media. She says it's not hurting anything and wants to know why it bothers me. I never know what to say because then I start to question whether I am just trying to punish her. I am so frustrated!" She understands your request, but she rejects your authority to make it. So it makes all the sense in the world that you're frustrated. You're clear about your request. You know...