Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
precious and alive
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Whether you’re the mother or the adult daughter in a strained/estranged relationship, the medicine is the same: Tend to and untangle shame and conditioning. Then see what’s possible. She may not be on board. Things may not change all that much on the outside. But YOU can stop living at the mercy of your story. This doesn’t mean sugar-coating it or gaslighting yourself, it means that you take the shame (that was never yours to begin with) out of your story…you stop letting it diminish you. That’s where your power lies. That’s what you can now take responsibility for. And I’ll tell you what…this isn’t the kind of responsibility that’s a burden…a drudgery. No, it’s delightful. It’s tending to something precious and alive. Much, much love, Karen P.S. I still have spots left for discounted one-off 1:1 coaching in February. Get yours here. |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Being intentional with the way you relate to yourself re-forms your understanding how you deserve to be treated. You can influence how you feel about who you are without controlling who you are. Connection is more powerful than control. It takes more creativity and time, but it is also deeper and lasts much longer. What would connection to (versus control of) yourself look like? Are you willing to be creative and take the time to connect to yourself? You do not need to be perfect. But you can...
Being chronically* resentful/offended/hurt by her behavior isn’t required for you to establish boundaries. Or limit contact. Or even to stop talking to her altogether. You can simply decide her behavior doesn’t work for you** *The key word here is “chronically.” Obviously, all feelings are valid and all feelings point us in the direction of our needs, preferences, desires, etc., so don’t demonize these emotions, but if you’re tired of feeling that way…just know you don’t have to feel that way...
It's been three weeks and two days since my double mastectomy (thank you for all the good wishes...I am doing great!). The TL;DR is that I had non-invasive DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) in my right breast. After a lumpectomy to remove it at the end of October (and a plan to have radiation and to take an estrogen blocker, which I really, really didn't to do), my right breast became so severely deformed that there was no real choice but to remove it. After a consultation with a breast cancer...