I still don't know what I was looking for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
​Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet​
​So I turned myself to face me

David Bowie ~ Changes​

I used to chase change. BIG, SIGNIFICANT, OBVIOUS CHANGE. The faster the better.

So I could point to it and say, "See? I've learned. I've changed. I've improved. Now I am worthy."

You too?

Hello survival response.

Hello action borne of shame.

More recently though, it's the small, subtle, not-so-obvious changes that please me...that taste very sweet.

Sometimes I'm not even aware of them until I am aware of them.

My decision-making process has become more thoughtful and nuanced. I didn't realize it until I found myself in the midst of making a decision and noticed how nice it felt.

Thinking about this reminded me of the day, 35-ish years ago, in my life as a plastics industry trade magazine editor, when I woke up knowing that PET is polyethylene terephthalate and knowing how to spell it without looking it up. I can still spell it without looking it up. It boggles my mind that I got a job (and spent 17 years doing it) writing about the plastics industry even though I struggled with science in school and NEVER EVEN TOOK CHEMISTRY. Not in high school or college.

And yeah, for those 17 years I had massive impostor complex (without knowing it was a thing).

And still, slowly and over time, I learned a lot about the plastics industry. Eventually I was unceremoniously phased out of that career when the magazine I was working for was sold to another publishing company and the new company didn't want me (and hoo boy did I make that mean all kinds of horrible things).

I choose to trust subtle, slow learning. I choose to trust slow, incremental change. I choose to slowly expand my capacity to feel...and I definitely choose to longer shame myself for every god damn thing.

Turning yourself to face you is everything.

Much, much love,

Karen

Two ways to do this work with me:

#1 In the Shame School Community (doors open March 1)

#2 One-on-one private coaching​