Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
giving yourself love you didn't receive
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The next time you feel... guilty... resentful... angry... disdain... ashamed... anxious... sad... grief... frustrated... contempt... annoyed... hateful... ...place one hand on your heart, place the other hand over that hand, and remind yourself... "It makes sense that this is what I am feeling...it's not a 'me' problem...and there's nothing to fix or change." Much, much love, Karen On love, by bell hooks "To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility. We’re often taught that we have no control over our ‘feelings.’ Yet most of us accept that we choose our actions, that intention and will inform what we do. We also accept that our actions have consequences. To think of actions shaping feelings is one way we rid ourselves of conventionally accepted assumptions such as that parents love their children, or that one simply ‘falls’ in love without exercising will or choice, that there are such things as ‘crimes of passion’ i.e. he killed her because he loved her so much. If we were constantly remembering that love is as love does, we wouldn’t use the word in a manner that devalues and degrades its meaning. When we are loving, we openly and honestly express care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, and trust.” P.S. Tracy Yokas and I made something for you: a self-study version of Relationship Reset: Thriving Beyond Overgiving. |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Being intentional with the way you relate to yourself re-forms your understanding how you deserve to be treated. You can influence how you feel about who you are without controlling who you are. Connection is more powerful than control. It takes more creativity and time, but it is also deeper and lasts much longer. What would connection to (versus control of) yourself look like? Are you willing to be creative and take the time to connect to yourself? You do not need to be perfect. But you can...
Being chronically* resentful/offended/hurt by her behavior isn’t required for you to establish boundaries. Or limit contact. Or even to stop talking to her altogether. You can simply decide her behavior doesn’t work for you** *The key word here is “chronically.” Obviously, all feelings are valid and all feelings point us in the direction of our needs, preferences, desires, etc., so don’t demonize these emotions, but if you’re tired of feeling that way…just know you don’t have to feel that way...
It's been three weeks and two days since my double mastectomy (thank you for all the good wishes...I am doing great!). The TL;DR is that I had non-invasive DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) in my right breast. After a lumpectomy to remove it at the end of October (and a plan to have radiation and to take an estrogen blocker, which I really, really didn't to do), my right breast became so severely deformed that there was no real choice but to remove it. After a consultation with a breast cancer...