Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
decentering your mother
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IMPORTANT Pre-S: As of November 1, I will no longer be using Kit to send my Love Notes. "Who do you think you are?! The universe doesn't revolve around you!" Did your mother ever say that one? Mine did. Over time, it became part of an internalized, shame-based identity: "I'm a self spoiled brat." I hear it much differently now. I hear projection (putting her own hidden feelings onto me) and resentment (which is a part of envy). To decenter means shifting your focus or perspective away from something or someone that has been central to your thoughts, feelings, or identity. You stop letting their expectations, opinions, or influence be the primary driving force in your life. You stop making them the source of your self-worth, validation, and emotional stability. And in the case of your mother, you no longer let her make YOU the source of her self-worth, validation, and emotional stability. Think of it like moving your center of gravity. Instead of your mother being the center, you put yourself in the center and make choices and decisions based on your own needs, desires, and values. It's about establishing independence, autonomy, and self-identity. It is a healthy way to set limits and step out of codependency. To use the overused analogy, it means you put your own oxygen mask on first. Thousands of years of collective shame will tell you not to. It will tell you that you don't matter. It will confuse you. It will make decentering your mother feel unsafe. You'll be amazed at how fierce you can be when you care about yourself more than you worry about what she thinks. Much, much love, Karen P.S. Things I found insightful: There's no such thing as permanently healed What happens when a controlling, abusive, or narcissistic parent reaches the end of their lives *In the Shame School Community we create safety, intentional identity, and healthy boundaries. There are 90+ short lessons, concepts, worksheets, and writing prompts; weekly 90-minute Zoom calls, and a lively community on the Heartbeat platform. The cost is $75/month.
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
The meme said: "Be kind and full of love...but have boundaries like a motherf-er." Here’s what it gets wrong: there's no "but." Healthy boundaries ARE – in and of themselves – kind and full of love. They make room for anger. After more than a decade of helping women take care of themselves in the relationship they have with their mothers (including myself), here's what I know for sure: It's messy. There's no perfect answer. There's no precise way to do it. All you can do is be human (a human...
You know what has been super helpful to me in the past nine months since my mother ended her three-year silence to tell me she wants to move closer to me? Instead of trying to plan for every possible outcome and rehearsing all the possible conversations in my head (talk about exhausting and confusing), I ask myself: "Who do I want to be when I engage with her?" If you've been following along, my mother reached out to me in January to tell that she wants to move closer to me (she currently...
In 2019, after the Christchurch shooting in New Zealand, there was a photo of then New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern wrapping her arms around the survivors of that shooting. I shared with you then that when I saw the photo I was reminded that we live in a time so lacking in unconditional Mother Love. ~~~ We are still living in that time. ~~~ And Dolly? "The fact that a single human being could spend over sixty years in the global spotlight and leave behind a spotless record of...