Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
decentering your mother
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IMPORTANT Pre-S: As of November 1, I will no longer be using Kit to send my Love Notes. "Who do you think you are?! The universe doesn't revolve around you!" Did your mother ever say that one? Mine did. Over time, it became part of an internalized, shame-based identity: "I'm a self spoiled brat." I hear it much differently now. I hear projection (putting her own hidden feelings onto me) and resentment (which is a part of envy). To decenter means shifting your focus or perspective away from something or someone that has been central to your thoughts, feelings, or identity. You stop letting their expectations, opinions, or influence be the primary driving force in your life. You stop making them the source of your self-worth, validation, and emotional stability. And in the case of your mother, you no longer let her make YOU the source of her self-worth, validation, and emotional stability. Think of it like moving your center of gravity. Instead of your mother being the center, you put yourself in the center and make choices and decisions based on your own needs, desires, and values. It's about establishing independence, autonomy, and self-identity. It is a healthy way to set limits and step out of codependency. To use the overused analogy, it means you put your own oxygen mask on first. Thousands of years of collective shame will tell you not to. It will tell you that you don't matter. It will confuse you. It will make decentering your mother feel unsafe. You'll be amazed at how fierce you can be when you care about yourself more than you worry about what she thinks. Much, much love, Karen P.S. Things I found insightful: There's no such thing as permanently healed What happens when a controlling, abusive, or narcissistic parent reaches the end of their lives *In the Shame School Community we create safety, intentional identity, and healthy boundaries. There are 90+ short lessons, concepts, worksheets, and writing prompts; weekly 90-minute Zoom calls, and a lively community on the Heartbeat platform. The cost is $75/month.
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
I once worked with a (physical) pain coach. The quick version of my story is that I have experienced chronic pain since around 2009, which is when I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. Not to mention childhood trauma, hypervigilence, and a previously unchecked desire to prove something (which took the form of being a badass at the gym). Since then I've done all sorts of things: chiropractic, massage, acupuncture, Advil, naturopathic care, alopathic care, exercise, stretching, yoga...all with...
...that you can now join the Shame School Community on a monthly subscription basis ($75/month, cancel any time). Format: Community Zoom calls several times a month at various times to accommodate different schedules and timezones, for connection, coaching, questions, discussion, and celebration Community: The Shame School Community is hosted on the Heartbeat platform, which includes comprehensive course material (see next bullet), a place to gather and share, and a calendar of all calls and...
[Pre-S: THANK YOU to all who answered this survey. It's still available if you'd like to share your thoughts and be entered to win a complimentary 90-minute session with me] Question from a reader: I grew up with a lot of stigma around medication. My mom misused and abused prescription (not her rx) drugs. I'm exploring medicines now, and it's hard for me to untangle her poor choices (using drugs for numbing) versus my actual diagnosed need to treat a mental illness. What comes up is, am I a...