[AITA = Am I The Asshole, which, as far as I can tell, had its genesis on Reddit in 2013 and became a place for people to post about their real-world interpersonal conflicts and receive advice and judgement from fellow redditors. Did you know that advice columns have been around since 1690?]

A reporter sent out a query asking for input on this question and I wanted to share my response with you because most of us are walking around hoping that we're not the asshole.

And what if there was a better question than AITA?

I hate Thanksgiving! My family is crazy and very different from me politically. I want nothing to do with them, so I'm planning on traveling. I know if I tell my mother ahead of time she will freak out and guilt me and I'll give in, so my plan is to just leave and ghost them, and probably send a text day of. Does this make me an asshole?

There are people out there who will think you're absolutely an asshole, and if you presented this scenario to them, they'd say "have some respect, she's the only mother you've got, she brought you into the world"...and so on.

There are an equal number of people who will think you're not an asshole and if you presented this scenario to them they'd say, "who cares what other people think, you don't owe them anything, stand up for yourself"...and so on.

We are wired (via our nervous systems) to care what other people (especially our families) think of us and our choices. We also live in a culture of "IDGAF what other people think" (with a foot-stomp thrown in for good measure).

When we perceive a threat (whether it makes logical sense or not) our bodies make choices for us.

Right now, your body wants to ghost them (fight/fight energy) in order to feel safe.

Yet there's another part of you that thinks you better show up (fawn or please/appease energy) in order to feel safe.

You're pinging between two unsatisfactory choices:

Either you ghost and risk your mother's reaction (anger? sadness? disappointment?) and feel the accompanying guilt...

Or you do what your mother wants you to do and feel the accompanying resentment.

What matters more than anyone else's answer to your AITA question is YOUR answer to these questions:

If you felt SAFE what would you do?

What do you need in order to feel safe?

Because when you feel safe, your brain is able to be more creative.

Here are some additional questions:

Can you like and respect your reasons for whatever choice you make?

Will you like and respect yourself once you've acted on whatever choice you make?

How will you handle it if/when you get blowback, "drama," or some other reaction from your family (or other people)?

Your boundaries are a living, breathing expression of your values and there's a wide open space between the two options you presented.

Much, much love,

Karen

Thorny scenarios are my jam. I work with people who are ready to trade the weight of shame for the lightness of their own lives. Not through force or life hacks, but through fierce love, honest reckoning, and learning to make flourishing feel safe in your body.

​Click here to schedule a conversation about working together.