Shame makes you think you're the only one.

I know this.

And yet, there I was at an event the other day, feeling isolated and alone with what felt like a shameful secret (a continuation of what I wrote about last week.

When I shared what I was grappling with, actually said it out loud, someone said, "me too...half the women here are in that same position."

Oh.

I am not the only one who thinks I am the only one.

You are not the only one who thinks you're the only one.

Even when it feels like the 100% intractable, undeniable truth.

I can't tell you how freaking convinced I was (maybe still am) of how truly bad I am...while at the same time being able to observe this in myself.

This is what internalized shame does: it teaches us to punish ourselves. It makes us think we deserve to be isolated and alone because, whatever the problem is, it's SO bad...SO shameful...that we're not fit to belong.

I mean, how many times were you sent to your room to think about how bad you are?

We punish ourselves because we think if we can show that we're repentant enough we won't be shunned. But even then, we're left with the residue...like we're somehow stained with badness and everyone can see it (hello Scarlet Letter).

Brain scans shows us that when we're punished, our brain's fear center is activated, which shuts down the parts of the brain responsible for learning, creativity, and problem-solving.

In those moments we're not thinking, "I've learned my lesson," we're thinking "I'll do anything to avoid being shunned."

Punishment teaches fear.

Connection teaches safety and skills.

Speaking it out loud and being met with "me too" and patience and compassion loosened something up inside me.

And I was able to take the next step.

Much, much love,

Karen

​When you think you're the only one, you need community, not isolation. Support makes doing hard things feel safer.​

I promise.