Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
you're not the only one...
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Shame makes you think you're the only one. I know this. And yet, there I was at an event the other day, feeling isolated and alone with what felt like a shameful secret (a continuation of what I wrote about last week. When I shared what I was grappling with, actually said it out loud, someone said, "me too...half the women here are in that same position." Oh. I am not the only one who thinks I am the only one. You are not the only one who thinks you're the only one. Even when it feels like the 100% intractable, undeniable truth. I can't tell you how freaking convinced I was (maybe still am) of how truly bad I am...while at the same time being able to observe this in myself. This is what internalized shame does: it teaches us to punish ourselves. It makes us think we deserve to be isolated and alone because, whatever the problem is, it's SO bad...SO shameful...that we're not fit to belong. I mean, how many times were you sent to your room to think about how bad you are? We punish ourselves because we think if we can show that we're repentant enough we won't be shunned. But even then, we're left with the residue...like we're somehow stained with badness and everyone can see it (hello Scarlet Letter). Brain scans shows us that when we're punished, our brain's fear center is activated, which shuts down the parts of the brain responsible for learning, creativity, and problem-solving. In those moments we're not thinking, "I've learned my lesson," we're thinking "I'll do anything to avoid being shunned." Punishment teaches fear. Connection teaches safety and skills. Speaking it out loud and being met with "me too" and patience and compassion loosened something up inside me. And I was able to take the next step. Much, much love, Karen I promise. |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
When I became my grandmother's legal guardian in 2011 she lived at home, alone. She was 94 and managing pretty well, considering. She was also frail and exhibiting signs of mild dementia, but otherwise healthy. What I remember most about that time is how her neighbors, her long-time lawyer and friend (who urged her to name me legal guardian), and my mother (who lived about 400 miles away), were concerned that she would fall and break a hip, that she needed more in-home assistance, that she...
"The cure for pain is in the pain." ~ Rumi Before leaving for college I remember thinking: "no one will know me there...I can start over...be someone else." It wasn't the first time I'd had that kind of thought and it certainly wasn't the last time. I had a version of that thought a few days ago. I wanted to run away. Not from home. Not from my husband. From myself. I am sitting here, having typed that, feeling the familiar sharp, prickly ache in my throat and behind my eyes. Stuck. Trapped....
I have often wondered why it feels like there’s nothing to forgive my father for, and/or why I have never felt significantly angry at – or hurt – by him. If you’ve been around for a while (or if you’ve read You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame), you know that I mostly speak warmly of him and our relationship, even though he and my mother were divorced when I was two, even though I didn’t see much of him as I was growing up, and even though he was willing to give up...