Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
you don't need that much "bad"
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I got a note from a former client who wanted to share that she no longer experiences guilt when she sets boundaries with her mother. She said it's because she's no longer afraid of guilt. She fully expects to feel it, but instead of being afraid of it, she has an attitude of "bring it on!" She said it's because I once suggested, if she had a choice between guilt and regret, to see what it would be like to choose guilt. So she kept choosing guilt and eventually realized it was a nothing burger. ~~~ Healing isn't about becoming perfect and never feeling "bad*." It's about your capacity to feel "bad." [*bad = guilt, anger, fear, anxiety, boredom, blah, meh, insert the feeling you don't like feeling here] I currently feel "bad." Blah. Meh. Bored. It's so tempting to feel bad about feeling bad. To double the bad. And then I remind myself: Karen, you don’t need that much bad. :-) Ding Ding Ding (thanks Elizabeth for this bruitiful memory) Much, much love, Karen P.S. If you were raised by a mother with narcissistic tendencies, and you find yourself feeling bad about feeling bad, you don't want to miss a free event created by Pi Venus Winslow: Trusting After Trauma: Redefining Life After Narcissistic Abuse |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
[Pre-S: values workshop details below] Being human and all, we have this tendency to make meaning of Every. Single. Thing. What other people do. What other people say. What we say to ourselves. [about ourselves] The sensations we feel in our bodies. This is normal and it's what helps us survive. We feel hunger, we eat. We feel tired, we sleep. We sense danger, we protect. Our bodies and brains are so highly evolved. And we've been conditioned to NOT pay attention to... or honor... or trust......
[this is a long one] Last week I was driving home from the grocery store when a thought popped into my head about how my husband was going to react to something I had purchased. I noticed a pleasant flutter in my heart, expansion in my chest, the desire to take a deep breath and sigh (which I did), and warmth. I smiled. A whole-lit-up-face grin. I even looked at myself in the rearview window and reveled in it. Later the same day, I was reading Maria Semple's new book Go Gentle when this...
You can set the same boundary – distance, disconnection, even no contact – from a variety of different energies. It could be a protective survival strategy: fast, intense, and emotionally charged. It may feel like the only available option. It could also come from the grounded, clear, compassionate core of who you are beneath any armor (said with no disrespect to armor or "defensiveness"). Both responses are protective. Both are trying to take care of you. One protects you from pain by...