That moment when someone with narcissistic behavior (who has no idea about your mother, your background, or what you do for a living) tries their shit on you and you're like "hold my beer."

~~~

I live in a small, relatively new neighborhood with 14 homes and a Homeowner's Association (HOA), which is required because there are seven acres of common area that need to be maintained according to the town's ordinances.

From the get-go there's been ONE neighbor who seems hellbent on making trouble: unfounded lawsuit threats, gaslighting, aggressive behavior, name-calling, verbal attacks, etc. (the phrase "every accusation is a confession." comes to mind).

Guess who she reminds me of?

And guess what else? I am now a volunteer board member. I say that like it just magically happened to me. No, in a moment of what-the-heck, I volunteered because no one else was stepping up. Can you say AFGO?

[another fucking growth opportunity hahahahaha]

So now, instead of an email from my mother popping up and giving me a heart attack, it's emails from, let's call her Gladys Kravitz (those of us who remember Bewitched remember Gladys).

Here's what this experience is showing me:

I refuse to be manipulated by such behavior.

Does my heart still pound? Do I feel that sinking feeling in my gut? Do I start to breath shallowly? Do I want to quit every single time? Yes yes yes. And yes.

But I no longer make Gladys' (or my mother's) behavior (or my pounding heart) mean something's wrong with me (other than that my nervous system is brilliant).

I am giving myself a masterclass on how not to give Gladys what she wants: a knock-down-drag-out-free-for-all (which is what happened several years ago with a previous HOA board).

This experience is also showing me something about myself that I love. I am gifted at crafting the grayest of gray rock responses: boring, short, and unemotional responses that do not provide the emotional "supply" and drama she seeks.

There is, obviously, a big difference in the relationship I have with Gladys and the relationship I have with my mother, not to mention the relationship you have with your mother. The context is different. The expectations are different.

But the bottom line is this: when you unshame yourself, you are better able to identify narcissistic manipulation, become more immune to it, and to set healthy boundaries around it.

You are under no obligation to anticipate your mother's needs and rush to meet them, despite a lifetime of manipulation, conditioning, and socialization that tells you the opposite.

It simply is not your responsibility.

If you're having a hard time remembering that, if you want to unshame yourself so you're more immune to manipulation and set the healthiest of boundaries, come join us in the Shame School Community.

Much, much love,

Karen